


I was lost

by mollieblack



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Bullying, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Romance, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, thereisfluffipromise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-09 13:07:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11105181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mollieblack/pseuds/mollieblack
Summary: Dan's parents are abusive, and he doesn't talk about it.... until he meets Phil Lester.Phil's parents are strict, religious, and incredibly homophobic, and he allows their lifestyle to keep him from admitting to himself what he wants.... until he meets Dan HowellDan and Phil Highschool AU





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for this entire story (won't be for individual chapters)
> 
> Everything basically. abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, etc.

Dan slipped through the new house, beelining for the door with his backpack slung over his shoulder.

"Where do you think you're off to?" Dan froze, turning as he let out a defeated sigh, to see his father laying on the couch surrounded by beer bottles.

"I'm going to school. It's the first day."

"Fucking school system fucking taking my taxes, who gives a shit about school? You've gotta stay here and unpack. Set the house up."

"Dad, I have to go to school. It's the law." Dan knew that would work. His father couldn't get in any more trouble with the law, he wouldn't be able to argue Dan on that one.

"Whatever just hurry back, you have work to do, boy." Dan nodded, and when his dad flicked his hand in indication that Dan was excused, he darted out of the house and down the street to his new school.

When he got close, he pulled his hood up, drawing the strings tight to block off his face. He wore all black, his fringe covered most of his face, and even though he was tall he slouched, and was able to get by fairly unnoticed. 

That's how Dan liked it. Unnoticed. Going through the day without having to talk to anyone, because if he had to talk to anyone they might look at him closer and see the black eye hidden under his fringe. They might see the cut on his lip or the fading bruise on his cheek. They might see, and they might start asking questions, and Dan wasn't prepared for people to ask questions.

He remembered when he was younger and someone had asked a question. When the boy in his fourth grade class had asked why he had a bruise on his face and he had told him that he ate a cookie without asking and his dad had hit him as punishment. Back then he didn't know that that wasn't normal. The school had talked to Dan's father, and Dan denied it, knowing that his dad would make it so much worse if he didn't. 

That night he had still gotten a beating. A vicious one at that. One that meant he had to take three days off of school to say he was sick because he couldn't move. His dad was careful that time not to hit him anywhere that would be seen, and Dan ached. 

From then on he knew not to speak of his dad. 

He didn't talk to other kids. He hadn't talked to other kids in his old town, and now that he had moved and was starting his sophomore year of high school in a new town since his mom had been relocated to Manchester, he knew it'd be the same. It didn't matter that this was a new place, he was still Dan, and Dan didn't talk to people. 

The first half of the day was fine. It wasn't that hard going to a new school. Yeah the building was different, but you had your same boring classes, same stressed teachers, and same obnoxious students. 

At lunch, Dan found a tree in the courtyard and sat under it, beginning to work on an essay for his english class that had been assigned. Really? An essay on the first day? 

He wrote for a bit, but eventually got bored and began watching the other students at lunch. 

There were the jocks sitting at the table in the center of the courtyard. Guys in varsity jackets and girls with bows in their hair that marked them as cheerleaders. There were the artsy students sitting under a tree across the courtyard from Dan, playing some sort of game where they were all sat in a circle. There was a group of people doing homework on a bench, eating absentmindedly as they wrote furiously. There were a few small groups of two to four people scattered around, but other than that everyone else seemed to be in the cafeteria inside.

Dan sighed and leaned against the tree. He hated school. He hated home more, though, so this was okay. 

"Hey!" Dan heard coming up behind him, and turned his head in surprise. A boy was walking up to him. Jet black hair styled similarly to his own, a bright blue graphic tee with black skinny jeans and a bag over his shoulder. His eyes were bright blue and he had a lopsided smile on his face.

"What are you doing sitting all alone here?" he asked, plopping down next to Dan and taking out a small bag with a sandwich and an apple, beginning to eat. 

Of course someone would just invite themselves over to sit next to Dan. Even though he'd done everything to try to avoid talking to anyone. He sighed and simply shrugged in response.

"My name's Phil." Phil stated, holding out his hand. Dan didn't take it, just looking at it and then nodding back at Phil.

"I'm Dan." He was tempted not to even reply, but Dan couldn't bring himself to be quite that rude. 

"It's nice to meet you, Dan!" Phil smiled, biting into his sandwich. After a few minutes he seemed to notice Dan wasn't eating.

"Aren't you gonna eat? It's lunch!" Dan shrugged again. Truth was, his parents would never pay for him to eat the school lunches, and they wouldn't send him with food. Dan didn't really mind, though. He rarely ate anyways.

"Do you want some of mine?" Phil asked, holding his sandwich and apple forward.

"No thanks." Dan answered. It was a lie. He hadn't had breakfast and he was starving, but he wasn't going to take Phil's food. 

"Suit yourself." Phil said shrugging, and continued to eat.

Dan had hoped that this boy, Phil, would be put off by his standoffishness, but he didn't seem to mind, happily humming as he ate.

"Hey, have you heard the new Muse album?" the boy asked, and  _that's_ what he had been humming. Dan knew it had sounded familiar. 

"Yeah they're um... they're actually my favorite band." Dan said, his interest slightly peaked.

"Really? Me too! Here..." Phil pulled an old ipod and earbuds out of his bag, and handed Dan an earbud, who looked at it skeptically before putting it in.

They sat there listening to Muse, and Dan wasn't sure if he was relieved or not when the bell rang to signal the end of lunch.

"I'll see you around, Dan?" Phil asked, standing up.

"Yeah. Yeah sure." Dan answered, giving Phil a very small smile in return before leaving and heading to his next class. 

The day passed too quickly, and all of a sudden the bell was ringing and school was out, and Dan realized he was going to have to go home. He sighed and stood up, beginning to walk away from the school, when he heard someone running up behind him.

"Hey!" Phil gasped, out of breath. "Saw you walking... was wondering if you wanted... to maybe hang out?" Phil paused for a moment to catch his breath. "We could do homework together or go get coffee, really whatever." Dan gave him a small smile, because he really did want to if it would mean not having to go home, but he had to. If he didn't get home soon his dad was going to beat the shit out of him.

"I'm sorry... I can't."

"Oh well, maybe some other time. Can I get your phone number so I can text you?" Dan's eyes widened. Why did this kid think they were best friends all of a sudden?

"Um sure... okay yeah just a sec." Dan pulled his phone out and opened up a slot for a new contact, handing it to Phil and Phil did the same for him. He plugged in his number and went to hand it back to Phil when he saw the black haired boy making a weird face where he opened his mouth wide as if he was roaring, snapping a picture. When Dan got his phone back, that was Phil's contact photo.

"Okay um... I'll see you around." Dan mumbled, and turned to go.

"Hey what have we got here? The little queer beanstalk has found a new fag to fuck?" Dan turned around, eyes wide as he saw two boys approaching Phil. They wore varsity jackets, and they were huge. They must be football players or wrestlers.

"Leave me alone." Dan heard Phil mumble, trying to walk away.

"Not that fast, loverboy!" The bigger one in the front said, grabbing Phil's arm to turn him around to face the jock.

"Hey!" Dan cried out before he even realized what he was doing.

"Dan... don't..." Phil warned as the two boys' attention shifted to him.

"Oh you want to protect your little boyfriend here? I guess I'll help you out then, because I just like giving back. I'll do you a huge favor and give you something to _kiss better_." The boys eyes narrowed and in a flash he turned to Phil and punched him across the cheek, laughing and then jogging off with his friend. 

Phil had fallen onto the ground, and Dan rushed up, turning him over so he could assess the damage. 

"Phil are you okay?" Dan asked, running his fingers across the small cut on Phil's cheek to wipe off the small rocks that had gotten into it when Phil had hit the ground.

"Yeah... yeah I'm fine." Phil said, but he was crying as he sat up and then got to his feet, Dan following. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, god those guys are assholes." Dan slung his bag off his back and began rummaging through it, pulling out what he wanted. 

"Hydrogen peroxide and bandages." he said, and began tending to Phil's cheek.

"Why do you have those in your bag?" Phil asked, eyebrows furrowing.

"I don't know. In case some idiot lets himself get beat up by some jackasses." Dan said, laughing as he tried to keep Phil from suspecting his lie.

Of course that wasn't why he had these. He had them because it wasn't uncommon for Dan to have his own cuts and to have to treat them when they reopened throughout the day at school. He wasn't about to tell Phil that, though. 

He cleaned Phil's cut, pausing to wipe tears from Phil's face before they reached the wound, patched it up, then gave Phil some anti-inflammatory pain meds he kept with him.

"Thank you." Phil said, wiping his tears away.

"Who were those assholes?" Dan asked, looking back in the direction they'd left.

"That was Henry. Henry and Chase. Henry's had it out for me since middle school, and he always brings a friend to back him up."

"What'd you do to him?" 

Phil laughed helplessly. "Nothing! He just decided one day that I was gay, and from then on he's been making it his mission to make my life hell."

"Are you?" Dan asked, and he surprised himself with the bluntness of his question.

"Am I... gay?" Phil asked, surprised, and Dan nodded. "No. I mean... my parents are really religious, I've been raised... no. No I'm not." 

"Are you saying you're homophobic?" 

"No! Not at all! I'm not even really religious. My parents would just kill me if I was gay." Dan nodded slowly, thinking that what Phil's parents would think wouldn't actually change who he was, but he decided not to press it any more since Phil seemed uncomfortable.

"Alright, well you're all patched up."

"Thanks... again. I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you."

When Dan approached the front door to his new house, he drew in a deep breath, then opened it. His plan was to dart in and out of the kitchen to grab something since his stomach felt like a vacuum right now, then head to his room and lock himself in. 

He grabbed a bag of trailmix from the kitchen and was turning the corner sharply to head up the stairs to his room when he ran headfirst into his dad, falling backwards and almost spilling the trailmix.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He stuttered, eyes wide with fear. 

"How many times have I told you to WATCH THE HELL WHERE YOU'RE GOING, KID?" His father shouted, and Dan raised his arms to cover his face instinctively, repeating 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry'. 

He continued to say these words as he was pushed to the ground. As his pants were pulled down and his father's belt came off. As he felt the stings against his rear, again, and again, and again. The belt whistled in the air, ending with a loud smack as it hit its target, and tears were in Dan's eyes as he continued to apologize. 

Finally his father must have had enough because he put his belt back, then kicked Dan in the ribs, grumbling and leaving the room. 

Dan just wanted to lay there. He didn't want to move. He wanted this to all be over. But he knew that if he was still here when his dad returned it'd just mean more punishment, so he pulled his pants up and gathered his things, wincing in pain as he made his way up to his room. He stumbled, crying, into the bathroom connected to his bedroom and pulled the razor out from where he had hidden it under the washcloth in a drawer under the sink. 

He ran it along his wrist, creating three shallow cuts, and he winced as the blood trickled down his arm. 

Right then he heard a beep, and he took his phone out, seeing a new message from Phil, almost laughing sickly as he saw Phil's photo icon. He opened the message.

**Phil: Hey, thanks again for today. Sorry if I came on a bit strong. Truth is, I'm not great at making friends and you seem really nice. I hope I didn't scare you away, I'd love to hang out sometime.**

Dan wrapped his wrist after allowing it to bleed a bit longer, then returned to his phone. 

**Dan: yeah no youre fine. I don't think I can hang out though.**

**Phil: Why not?**

**Dan: my dad. ive never really had friends... he doesn't really let me go out**

**Phil: I'm sorry :( :(**

**Dan: its fine.**

**Phil: Well if anything changes, let me know :) and I'll see you at school :)**

**Dan: k**

Dan didn't know why, but a part of him did want to be Phil's friend. Something about the boy was interesting to Dan.

He shook his head at this thought, reminding himself that he was  _Dan._ He was the loser who had no friends. He was the kid who got beat by his dad. He was the freak who cut himself. He didn't even want to be alive, why should he have any friends? 

Dan grimaced at this thought and ripped the bandage from his wrist. He began picking at the cuts, making the blood flow again. He watched the blood pour out of his wrist and down into the sink, and it gave him a sick sense of joy. He liked being hurt without his dad getting the satisfaction. It meant that in his own little way, he won. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Phil: Good morning! ik your parents don't let you out much to hang out during the day, but if you're up do you wanna grab coffee before school?**

Dan groaned as he read the text, feeling the familiar ache in his rear, ribs, and forearm. He felt like hell. He picked his phone up and went to message Phil to tell him he wouldn't be getting coffee, but something stopped him. It was 6:45 (much too early for Dan to even want to consider). If he pulled himself out of bed, they could be getting coffee by 7:15 and they'd have over an hour. Also, leaving now would probably mean missing his dad on his way out, something Dan found very inviting. As much as he was exhausted, his head was throbbing and he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. Maybe some advil and caffeine would help. 

**Dan: sure. starbucks near the school?**

**Phil: I'll be there :D**

Dan groaned, pulling himself out of bed and throwing on some school clothes. He brushed his teeth and ran a straightener through his hair. He changed the bandage on his wrist and made sure his sleeve covered it, and then he was slipping out of the quiet house.

The Starbucks was dead. Dan saw Phil immediately and walked over, sitting across from him. Phil looked up and smiled.

"Morning!" he said cheerily.

"Morning. I'm gonna get some coffee, you want anything?" Phil shook his head and gestured to the cup in front of him. "Right. Sorry. 'm tired." Phil chuckled a bit, and Dan ordered a Caramel Macchiato, returning to sit across from Phil. 

"How's your face?" he asked bluntly, indicated the bandage on Phil's cheek.

"It's fine. Sore, but not too bad. Thanks again for helping with that." Dan just nodded, sipping his coffee. "How are you?" Phil asked, looking a little above Dan's eye. "You've got a little..." 

Dan reached up and felt a scab above his right eyebrow. Great. He must have cut it open when his dad had shoved him on the floor yesterday, and just not noticed. 

"Oh I'm... I'm fine I just scratched myself." Dan stuttered, moving his hand down, and  _shit._ His sleeve had fallen down to reveal the bandage on his arm, a tiny bit of blood soaking through.

"Dan..." Phil started, and Dan snapped at him.

"I don't want to talk about it." Phil took this in, nodding slowly, eyes wide.

"Okay." There was a long silence. Dan had just about decided to leave when Phil spoke again. "I won't ask any questions, but... if you ever need someone to talk to I'm here..." Dan gave Phil a small smile.

"Thanks. I'll... keep it in mind. I should really get going... I want to study before my first class." he rushed out of the Starbucks and towards the school, finding a bench to sit on outside the building. His phone beeped.

 

**Phil: Hey... I'm sorry I probably shouldn't have said anything. Are we still friends?**

**Dan: were we friends to start?**

**Phil: I mean... I hoped we could be...**

**Dan: yeah sure whatever. we're friends. i just dont want to talk about it ok?**

**Phil: Yeah okay. I'll see you at lunch?**

**Dan: cya**

 

Dan sighed. Was Phil his friend? He supposed he was the closest Dan had to a friend... and anyways it didn't seem like Dan would be able to shake him anytime soon. Might as well accept it.

 

* * *

 

 

Two weeks passed.

Dan and Phil had actually gotten fairly close. They'd get coffee in the mornings and walk to school. They'd get lunch together, and then after school Phil would walk with Dan until they were a block away from his house, so Dan's parents didn't see him with someone else. Phil raised his eyebrows when Dan first asked him to do this, but he didn't question it, and Dan was grateful. Once Dan got inside and away from his dad, he'd message Phil and they'd talk throughout the night. Sometimes they'd even Skype, and Dan just had to make sure he was quiet enough that his dad wouldn't hear.

Dan's father kept beating him. Dan kept cutting his wrists. His dad would find a new reason to hit him practically every day, and it was getting worse. Dan suspected it was the stress of the move. It really reached its peak when his dad caught him trying to take a bag of chips to school, and he beat the living shit out of Dan. His dad was hungover and going out for a job interview, something he hadn't done in years, and he was clearly unhappy about it. 

When Dan took the beating but then tried to get up without being excused, his dad threw a punch at Dan's face, and blood started gushing. His dad swore at him and threatened Dan with worse if when he came home there was a speck of blood on the floor, then stormed out.

**Phil: Dan are you coming to get coffee?**

**Phil: Dan, I've been here for a while, where are you?**

**Phil: Are you okay?**

**Dan: hey sorry. nose is broken, staying home from school today**

**Phil: Oh my god, are you okay? Can I come help?**

**Dan: no im not okay. um... yeah but youll have to leave before my dad gets back**

**Phil: I'm on my way!**

When Phil walked in, Dan looked up from the floor. He was on his hands and knees, bare chested, marks from his father's hits, kicks, and lashes showing, scrubbing the blood from the floor with one hand as he held paper towels to his nose with the other.

"Oh my god, Dan what happened?" Phil raced towards him, taking the rag out of his hand and sitting Dan back against the fridge. "Hey hey it's okay, lean your head back it'll help stop the bleeding." Dan nodded and obliged, feeling lightheaded from the loss of blood. 

"Okay Dan this is gonna hurt, are you ready?" Phil asked, removing the tissues, and Dan just looked back, wide eyed. Phil reached forward and took Dan's nose in his hands making Dan wince.

"It's a clean break that's good. Okay ready? Three, two..." Phil snapped his fingers and Dan felt white hot pain race through his face as Phil brought the tissues back up to his nose, moving Dan's head so it was tilted back to stop the flow.

They stayed this way for several minutes until the blood had stopped, and Phil took away the tissues. 

"Okay let's let it sit for a bit and finish scabbing over before we clean you up." Dan nodded slowly, afraid to move his head too quickly in fear of starting the blood flow again. 

"How'd you know how to do that?" he asked weakly, and Phil laughed a bit sickly.

"Remember how I told you Henry has had it out for me for years? Well, he's broken my nose twice." 

"I'm sorry."

"Don't _you_ apologize, you're the one covered in blood right now." 

Dan shrugged. "Still sorry."

"Dan..." Phil started, and Dan knew what was coming. Phil's eyes were traveling down to his torso where the marks were. "What happened? Who did this to you?" Dan sighed, knowing he might regret this.

"My dad. Please though, you can't tell anyone. The last time I told someone..."

"Hey it's okay. I'm not going to tell anyone unless you're okay with it. Your dad did this?" Phil asked, gesturing to Dan's nose and then down to the scars and bruises covering his body. Dan just nodded. Phil's expression darkened.

"Dan... if you ever need a place to stay..."

"No!" Dan shouted immediately, then lowered his voice. "Sorry... no. My dad would kill me." 

"I'm worried he's going to kill you anyways..." Phil murmured, and Dan looked away, not wanting to meet Phil's gaze. 

"How often?" Phil asked after a while, and Dan shrugged.

"Every day usually. Sometimes more than once. It's been worse since we moved..." 

Phil didn't respond verbally, simply pulling Dan into a hug. Dan tensed up for a moment, then allowed himself to relax into the hug, wrapping his arms around Phil. He felt a little exposed, not wearing a shirt, but Phil didn't seem to mind so he allowed himself not to care either. In that moment, he realized something. He couldn't remember the last time he hugged anyone. He laughed bitterly at how sad that was. It must have been years at least... he rarely touched people, and a hug... he honestly couldn't remember.

"What?" Phil asked, pulling back slightly, surprised by Dan's laugh. Dan tugged him back into the hug, not wanting this to end quite yet. It felt nice to have someone so close.

"Nothing. Just... stay here, okay?" 

"Of course." They sat this way for a long time before Dan finally allowed his arms to fall away from Phil's back, and Phil sat back down, looking at Dan. There were tears in his eyes that hadn't been there before, and Dan furrowed his eyebrows questioningly.

"Dan..." Phil's voice hitched with a choke, trying to hold back tears. "Dan... please come stay with me tonight. I don't want you here... I don't want you getting hurt." Dan took in a deep breath.

Of course he didn't want to stay here. Of course he wanted to leave and never return. But he knew that if he left his dad would find him, and it would be _so_ much worse. 

"I cant..." Dan said softly, pained. "I'm sorry. I want to... I'll skype you when you leave, or if I can't skype we'll text. I'll keep you updated." Phil nodded, hanging his head in defeat, a tear leaving his eye and dropping onto the linoleum. 

"Promise?"

"Promise." Dan confirmed. 

They got up and got some rags and cleaner, washing up all the blood on the floor, and cleaning the blood off Dan's face, and then it was close to when Dan's father should be getting back, so Phil left with one last hug and Dan went up to his room, pulling out his phone.

**Dan: hey**

**Phil: Hey, long time no see xD**

**Dan: ikr? lol. dads not home yet**

**Phil: Good. Maybe he got hit by a bus.**

**Phil: Sorry.**

**Dan: dont be. itd be a fucking wish come true**

**Phil: lol. I don't consider myself a violent person, but if it kept him from being able to hurt you...**

**Dan: thanks**

**Phil: Of course.**

**Dan: shit hes home**

**Phil: are you ok**

**Dan: i think hes coming upstairs i might have to go for a sec if he comes in**

**Phil: Dan please dont disappear**

**Phil: Dan?**

**Phil: Dan are you okay?**

**Phil: Dan its been five minutes I'm worried**

**Phil: Dan?**

**Phil: Dan I'm really worried**

**Phil: It's been twenty minutes, I'm calling the police in ten minutes if you haven't responded**

**Phil: Dan?**

**Phil: Oh god please answer**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter represents my mile marker of 200,000 words overall on this website between all my fics :) I just wanted to say thank you all so much. To everyone who's been with me since the beginning, and to everyone who's just starting to read now. For every comment, kudos, bookmark, subscription, etc, thank you <3 It honestly makes me so incredibly happy to get this support from all of you, and writing has been something I've loved for a long time, but I've never gotten the type of response that I have on this website, and I'm just so grateful for the community I'm forming <3 I love each and every single one of you, thank you so much <3


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm beginning writing this chapter with tears in my eyes because you are all so incredibly supportive and inspirational and I am so lucky to have all of you as a community.
> 
> Thank you so much <3

Why was everything so bright? 

Dan sat up on the hard bed quickly, before his head began feeling light and he had to lay back. His vision swam, and he blinked a few times, trying to focus on the bright room before giving up and closing his eyes.

Something was tugging on his arm and it bothered him. Dan pulled his arm away and felt a tug, and then someone was holding his arm and steadying it in place, telling him not to try to move it like that. And then they were telling someone else to go get 'him' and tell him that Dan was awake. 

Dan tried again to blink his eyes open, and everything was blurry for a while. Finally his vision came into focus, and he looked around. He was in a hospital bed. Oh, joy.

He had an IV in his arm. So that was the thing he had tried to tug away from. Everything was white and fluorescent, and it smelled like hospital. Dan wrinkled his nose. There was a nurse by his side and she was asking him questions about how he felt, and he tried to answer her, but her voice sounded like it was on the other side of a wall of glass, and he was having a hard time focusing. His vision was becoming blurry again, and he was feeling groggy.

A boy came rushing into the room, and Dan looked up at him. He was pretty. His hair was dark and his eyes were blue. He looked at Dan with concern on his face, walking up close, and Dan smiled. He saw the boy smile in response, and Dan's grin grew. He liked that he could make this boy smile. He looked pretty when he smiled, and Dan wanted to keep the expression on his face. It suited him much better than the concerned frown he had worn only seconds before... or so Dan thought at least. It was hard to tell when there were three of the boy overlapping each other.

The boy was saying something, but he too seemed to be behind that wall of glass. Dan frowned. He didn't like this glass, and he wanted it gone, but he didn't know how to get rid of it. He went to reach his arm up to try to find the glass, but it tugged at the IV in his arm, and he lowered it back down.

He looked back at the boy and saw that the smile was gone from his face. This only furthered Dan's frown, and he wanted to do something to make this boy smile again, but now the outsides of his vision were going black, and the glass wall was thickening, and all Dan could hear was a loud ringing in his ears. The last thing Dan saw was the boy's concerned face as his vision closed in a hole around that picture, and Dan closed his eyes in defeat, wishing that the pretty face had been smiling, as he allowed sleep to take him.

 

Why was everything so bright? 

Dan sat up on the hard bed quickly, before his head began feeling light and he had to lay back. His vision swam, and he blinked a few times, and wait... hadn't this all happened before? Dan looked down and saw the IV in his arm, and remembered the hospital. He remembered the pretty face. He wanted that pretty face to smile again. 

Dan looked around the room, and grinned when he saw the boy who the face belonged to, asleep in a chair in the room. Dan began to giggle. He felt something pulsing from the IV in his arm, and he felt loopy. His brain was swimming, but this time it wasn't because of a headache, it was because he felt like he was floating. 

His giggles must have woken the boy, who looked up in surprise before that beautiful smile spread across his face. He rushed to Dan's side, and Dan's grin grew, seeing the boy smile. 

"Dan. Dan you're awake!" the boy's voice was still behind that glass wall, but it seemed thinner, and if Dan concentrated he could make out the words. He furrowed his brows together a bit. Was Dan his name? It's what the boy had called him... it seemed to fit. Dan shrugged internally, figuring it was a good start, since he didn't really seem to remember much. 

"Yeah, I'm awake." he told the pretty face, his voice coming out crackly, and his eyes widened at the sound, then he began giggling, unsure of why he was laughing exactly, but just finding his own rough voice hilarious.

"Oh my god Dan, I've been so worried!" Dan frowned. He didn't want this pretty face to be worried. No. That wouldn't do. 

He looked down and around him to see what he had to work with. He noticed that his left arm was free, and he smiled at the realization. It was contained in a cast, but the fingers were free. He looked back up to the boy, and lifted his left arm which felt somewhat like it was made out of jelly, pointing one finger forward and shakily guiding it towards the boy, placing his pointer finger on the tip of the boy's nose and laughing.

The pretty boy looked at the finger on his nose, surprised, then looked back at Dan and laughed a little. It was a sweet sound. Quiet, since it was still behind the thin glass wall, but sweet from what Dan could hear. He took his hand back and laid his arm down again, because it was sore, but he smiled up at the pretty face. 

"You're pretty." he said, and smiled when he saw the face flush red. He had done that. He was proud of himself. 

"I'm sleepy." he followed up his previous statement, and the face smiled. 

"You can sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Promise?"

"I promise." 

"Okay... night..." And he allowed the blackness to take him once again.

 

Dan woke up and looked around the hospital room, looking for Phil. He'd had a dream. A dream where he was lost. He was lost in the woods and the trees loomed over him, the darkness was surrounding him, and someone was chasing him, but Phil's voice was there and it was telling him where to go, and he knew that if he just followed that voice that he would be okay. Eventually the voice had led him out of the forest and into a warm and bright clearing where everything had gone white, and then he was opening his eyes and remembering the hospital room.

His eyes focused on Phil, who was sitting in the chair on the side of the room, nose deep in a Stephen King novel. Dan took a moment to smile and watch his friend read before he alerted him to Dan's conscious state.

"Phil..." he spoke softly, and the boy's eyes snapped up immediately, putting the book down quickly and making his way to Dan's side. 

"Dan, are you okay? Does anything hurt?" Dan nodded to reassure him.

"I'm okay. Sore... but okay."

"They lowered your medication. They said it'd help you be more coherent, but it might hurt more. If it hurts too much they can give you more." Phil stammered out, and Dan smiled.

"I'm okay, Phil. Thanks. What... what happened? How long have I been here?" Dan asked, looking around once more.

"Two weeks. You... okay please don't be angry..." Dan frowned in confusion, and Phil sighed. "You were texting me. You said your dad got home and he was coming upstairs and then you stopped responding, and I just had a really bad feeling... and I know I promised you I'd never tell anyone, but... I called the police. They came, and your dad... Your dad was beating you. Badly. You were unconscious, and he was still hitting you. They pulled him off, and he's in jail now." Dan's mind was whirring, trying to keep up with all of this.

"They brought you here, and you've been in recovery since. I came immediately, and they made a special exception for me to stay in here more hours than normal visitors, since I was the one to call, and your family aren't exactly going to be visiting. I've been here every day. I go to school to check in with my teachers and get the homework, but I bring it back here just in case you wake up. I didn't want to not be here when you woke up... I didn't want you to be alone." Dan didn't know how to process this information. His head was beginning to feel light again, and he could hear the heart monitor picking up speed as his breathing quickened.

"My dad's in jail?" 

"Yeah. They're charging him for attempted murder. He's probably going to end up there for life... you don't have to worry about him anymore." Dan didn't even know what he felt. Relief? Yeah, definitely. Sadness? No, but a strange inexplicable emptiness? Yes. Relief was the primary feeling, though, and Dan felt a warm tear roll down his cheek.

"Are you okay? Dan, I'm so sorry I called the cops, I know you-"

"Don't be sorry. You had the guts to do what I could never bring myself to. Thank you, I'd probably be dead if it weren't for you." Dan saw Phil's shoulders heave with a sigh of relief.

"That's what I thought. And I decided it'd be worth you hating me if it meant that I saved your life."

"I don't hate you." Dan said simply, and though he was feeling numb and 'happy' certainly wasn't something he could feel right now, he felt somewhat... content as he saw Phil smile.

 

"Are you sure your parents are okay with me staying with you?" Dan asked as Phil wheeled him through the hospital halls.

"Of course. I mean our house isn't huge so you'll have to share my room, but they're the most Christian people you could ever meet, and they would never turn down someone in need. You'll just have to put up with the religious talk and their general... judgemental nature. It's unfortunate, but it's better than the alternative." Dan nodded. 

He wasn't too psyched about living in a house with Phil's highly homophobic parents, but it was a sure step up from his previous situation, and it was better than the foster care the hospital had planned for him. Not to mention the fact that his own parents had probably been homophobic. He didn't really know for sure, he'd never talked to them enough to find out, but he'd heard his father use enough slurs to know that he probably wasn't the most accepting. And anyways, Dan wasn't gay. It probably wouldn't even come up with Phil's parents.

When they reached the waiting room, a man and a woman who Dan guessed were probably in their forties waved to Phil and came up to them. 

"You must be Dan! I'm Shauna, and this is my husband, Bill." The woman said, smiling at Dan.

"It's nice to meet you, we've heard great things. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this, I hope we can help by opening our doors to you." the man said, holding out a hand. 

Dan awkwardly lifted his arms, showing that his entire left arm was in a cast, along with several finger casts on his right hand, and Phil's dad pulled his hand back, mumbling an apology.

"It's alright, sir." Dan said, hoping the 'sir' would win him points. It seemed to, as the man smiled. 

"Well, let's get you out of here. You've been cooped up for so long, I'm sure you've missed the fresh air." Phil's mom said, and Phil pushed Dan's chair forward, handing a pair of crutches to his Dad to carry for when Dan would begin to walk.

Phil and his dad awkwardly helped Dan into the truck, putting his wheelchair in the trunk. Dan felt like a huge inconvenience and kept apologizing, but they continuously assured him that it was 'quite alright', and eventually he shut up, sitting uncomfortably on the seat next to Phil. 

Phil's parents were in the front discussing politics, and Phil leaned over to whisper in Dan's ear, "Hey, is everything alright?"

Dan frowned. "Yeah... it's fine. I just. I'm not used to people helping me is all." Dan watched as Phil's expression darkened, and he felt guilty. He was so pathetic. "Are you  _sure_ you're okay with me staying with you? I mean, we haven't even known each other that long, and I'm such a burden right now..."

"Are you kidding me? Dan. Do you think I would have spent two and a half weeks of my life living in a hospital if I didn't care about you?" Dan saw a blush rush to Phil's cheeks as he tried to convey how important this was to him. "You're my best friend, and you almost died, and of course you're staying with me, I'm not letting you out of my sight!" 

Dan's eyes widened. He was Phil's best friend? He'd never had a best friend before... He supposed Phil _must_ be his best friend... he was Dan's only friend. Dan smiled weakly.

"Thanks." he said softly, and closed his eyes for the rest of the drive.

It was incredibly awkward to get Dan out of the car and into his wheelchair, and then up the stairs on the deck to the house, but once they were inside it was an easy trip to Phil's room. Apparently Phil had gone back to Dan's house after his father had been put in prison for attempted murder and his mother in jail for neglect, and his friend had gathered what he thought to be essential things, packing them in a bag and bringing them here, where they now sat in bags on Phil's floor. Dan was grateful to have his laptop, phone, chargers, and some basic clothes. 

He was also grateful that that was all Phil had brought, not poking through Dan's things unnecessarily, just grabbing basics. Phil was a good friend. 

Phil's mum made them all soup and Dan ate a bit, then Phil helped him take his medication, eating a bite of a slice of toast with each pill to help it go down. 

They brushed teeth, and Phil got Dan a cup to spit in since he couldn't reach the sink from his chair. 

When it came time for bed, Phil lifted Dan out of his chair and laid him across Phil's bed, trying hard not to hurt him. It did hurt, but Dan winced through the pain, trying not to show it for Phil's sake. Dan was still in one of the thin robes from the hospital, and Phil brought out another. They'd given him a few of these, because with the casts he was wearing, he wouldn't really be able to fit in any normal clothing, and these would protect his basic modesty. 

"Alright, Dan, if you just lay down I can grab these and then close my eyes before I undo them, then you can position the new one so it's covering you and we can wrap you-" 

"Phil it's alright. I don't think I could be humiliated more... I don't really care." Dan said, and Phil nodded, drawing in a breath.

"Okay then, let's get you changed." Phil's voice sounded a bit higher than usual, and Dan almost laughed at his obvious nervousness. 

Of course there was a voice inside him that was screaming, but something about the medication Dan was on right now made him feel calm and comfortable, and he wasn't about to question that. 

Phil undid the velcro around Dan's neck and then down in a line to his knees, and pulled the robe off of him, tugging to get it to come out from underneath Dan's body, and now he was lying on Phil's bed, naked aside from the casts covering most of his appendages. Phil was clearly working very hard to not look at any part of Dan other than his face as he draped the new robe over Dan, then propped him up to wrap it behind him. 

It was all clunky and awkward, and Dan's casts were bulky and inconvenient, but in the end he was wearing a fresh clean robe, and Phil helped him under the blankets. He felt so helpless, but Phil kept insisting that he didn't mind, so eventually Dan stopped arguing. 

"Alright, well goodnight Dan." Phil said, and grabbed one of the pillows off the bed, placing it on the floor and sitting down.

"Are you kidding, Phil?" 

"What?" 

"You're not sleeping on the floor. Get up here." Dan shook his head, laughing at his friend. 

Phil nodded after a moment and got up, clicking off the light and climbing into bed next to Dan.

"Goodnight, Dan."

"Night, Phil. Thank you... for everything."

"Thank you. For staying alive." 

Dan smiled weakly and closed his eyes, allowing sleep to take over. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely love writing third person when people are drunk/high/on medication/etc, but writing it like... third person but still in the way that person is viewing the world... if that makes sense? It's so much fun :D I hope you guys enjoyed <3


	4. Chapter Four

Dan woke up needing to pee, and groaning when he realized he couldn't just get out of bed and walk to the bathroom.

"Phil... hey Phil." Phil was sound asleep next to him, parted lips fluttering slightly as he breathed in and out.

"Phil..." Dan said a little louder, and the black haired boy blinked his eyes open. 

"I... I'm sorry. I need to go to the bathroom, and I can't..." Phil nodded sleepily, and got out of bed, stumbling a bit as he woke up, making his way to Dan's wheelchair and then to Dan's side of the bed. He threw the covers off of Dan, who winced from the sudden cold.

"Sorry!" Phil hissed, wincing.

"It's fine." Dan responded, and Phil leaned in, lifting Dan in his arms and then down into the wheelchair. Dan was impressed with how strong Phil was. He certainly wasn't incredibly muscular or anything, but he managed to lift Dan with ease.

Dan winced as his sore body got moved, but once he was in the chair it felt better, and Phil wheeled him into the bathroom. As he woke up, though, he did notice he was aching all over.

"Phil, I think I need more meds."

"Of course. Right after this, okay Dan?" Dan nodded, and Phil positioned his chair by the toilet, then scooped Dan back up and transferred him onto the porcelain. 

"Okay you lean forward against me, and I'm going to tug your robe out from under you, okay?"

"God could this be more degrading?" Dan groaned.

"I'm sorry..."

"No I'm just joking, thank you." Dan clarified, grateful that Phil was helping him, and not wanting to make him feel bad.

Phil positioned himself in front of Dan, actually somewhat straddling him to make this work. Dan leaned forward so he was pressed into Phil's shoulder, and that took enough weight from his bottom on the seat for Phil to be able to reach around him and pull the thin robe out from under him, allowing Dan direct access to the toilet. Dan sat back, and Phil got off of him, blushing a bit.

"Okay, well there we go."

"I'm so sorry, Phil." Dan blushed.

"Why?"

"This is all just so embarrassing. Thank you for helping me." 

"Dan, don't be embarrassed. You almost died, I don't mind helping you out." Phil said, and Dan nodded. "I'm gonna go get you your pills. I'll shut the door, just call when you're ready for me to come back." Dan nodded again, and Phil left, shutting the door softly behind him.

Dan took care of his business. Cleaning up was difficult, but he was determined not to make Phil deal with that, so after a few attempts, he was able to manage to get himself clean. 

"Phil?" it only took Phil a few seconds to be pushing the door open gently, walking in. He placed his arm under Dan's knees, right on the edge of the cast that took up the entirety of Dan's left leg below the knee, then wrapped his other arm behind Dan's back, where Dan lifted his arms, heavy with casts, to give Phil easier places to hold onto his sides. This was what hurt when Phil had to move him. It was Phil's grip high on his ribs that hurt, because they weren't contained in a cast. A few of his lower ribs had been broken, but they couldn't be put in a cast, and Phil was careful to avoid those, but the others were still bruised, and Phil's tight grip on these as he lifted and transported Dan brought tears to Dan's eyes and made him wince. 

He was determined, however, to not vocalize this. He knew it'd make Phil feel guilty, and Phil shouldn't be feeling at all guilty about any of this. He was doing so much for Dan, and Dan honestly still couldn't quite believe it. 

His mind was clearer than it had been since before the accident, and he began to worry. He began to feel that usual stress about talking to people. About Phil lying to him, somehow doing all this just as an elaborate plot to get Dan to trust him, so he could.... what? What would his evil master scheme be? This was what kept Dan from panicking, and he allowed Phil to help coax pill after pill down his throat, assisted by crackers that Dan asked for, reminding Phil that he couldn't take pills without food.

"Phil..." Dan began after gulping down his last pill.

"Yeah?" Phil looked down at him in his chair in concern, taking Dan in his arms to transfer him back to the bed, Dan holding back a wince.

"Why are you doing all this? We barely know each other. Why are you being so nice to me?" Phil smiled and sighed, climbing into bed and sitting next to Dan, both of them rested against the headboard in seated positions which Dan was grateful for. 

"Dan, I told you. You're my best friend. You nearly died, and I wasn't about to let my new friend leave me so quick. I care about you, Dan. A lot. And I enjoy spending time with you, I don't care whether we're playing video games or I'm helping you wipe your ass and feeding you." Dan blushed at how pathetic that sounded, but it honestly wasn't far from where they were at. "I need you to stop thinking of yourself as a burden, okay Dan? I enjoy this. Getting to be with you." Phil's cheeks were red, and he wasn't meeting Dan's gaze. "So... you're just gonna have to deal, okay?" Phil laughed slightly.

"Okay." Dan said, not really sure what else there was to say. Phil got out his laptop and hit play on the new Muse album, and they sat there, listening to music quietly because Phil's parents didn't like this music and if they heard they'd make him turn it off.

It took the meds about ten minutes to kick in. 

Dan supposed it was probably his lack of food since dinner last night that was why the meds seemed to take ahold so quickly and so strong.

"Phiiiillll." 

"Yeah, Dan?"

"Your face is pretty."

"What?" Phil laughed in nervous surprise.

"Your face is pretty!" Dan re-stated. "I remember when I saw you when I first woke up. I didn't remember who you were. I just thought you were pretty, and I liked it when you smiled."

"Oh." was all Phil said, blushing and looking down at his hands.

"I want you to smile now! Phiiiiiiilllll..." Dan whined.

"You want me to smile?" Phil asked, raising his eyebrows at Dan.

"Pweeeeeeeeese?" Dan begged, pouting his lower lip out. 

Phil laughed, somewhat in disbelief, shaking his head. "There, you happy?" 

The sweet sound made Dan feel bubbly, and he giggled. "Yeah!" 

"Okay, loopy, let's lay you down. I don't trust that you're not gonna just laugh yourself off the bed." Phil chuckled, lifting Dan up and sliding him down on the bed so he could lay down. Dan giggled even more at this, enjoying how it felt to have Phil wrap his arms around Dan's body, especially since the pain was gone. 

Dan wrapped his arms awkwardly around Phil's neck as he was moved, and when Phil let go, Dan kept his arms there.

"No! Don't go." Dan pouted, and Phil blushed.

"Uh... okay." Phil shuffled awkwardly so he was at the same level as Dan, Dan's arms holding Phil's neck in place. Once Phil was laying next to him, Dan leaned his head forward to rest on Phil's shoulder, enjoying being in contact with the owner of the pretty face.

"Dan..." Phil warned. "If my parents come in..." Dan's eyes shot wide open and he awkwardly backed away from Phil, making sure they weren't touching. 

"Will they get mad? I'm sorry! Will they hurt you? I don't want to get you in trouble!" Dan was stammering in fear, and Phil rushed to calm his nerves.

"No... Dan, Dan it's alright. They're not... they wouldn't do that. We just probably shouldn't..." Phil trailed off, and Dan nodded, fear still coursing through him at the thought of angry parents. 

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry." They sat in silence for a few minutes, until the pills removed all the fear from Dan's mind, replacing it with a different type of worry.

"Phil? You're not going to leave me, right? For school I mean." Dan clarified.

"Well, I am going to have to go back to school soon. It's a good thing I'm a senior and don't have many classes, and I'm a good student. My teachers are pretty lax and so long as I keep getting good grades and turning things in on time they've been lenient, but I've missed nearly a month of school, and it's still the beginning. I'll have to start going back, but I'll spend every other moment here, and when I'm gone my mum will take care of you. I'll start bringing you homework from school, too, until you're able to go back."

Dan knew in the back of his mind that he should be concerned about his own absence. Phil at least had been able to do homework over this time, Dan had missed everything. But he wasn't worried about that. He was just thinking about what it'd be like to be in this house away from Phil. What if he had to use the bathroom? Did he have to get Phil's mum to help him with that? Somehow he couldn't quite wrap his mind around being okay with that. 

"Please don't leave me." he begged, and Phil laughed softly.

"I won't. I'm still doing okay in school and my teachers haven't asked me back quite yet, so as long as I keep my grades up I should be able to stay with you until you're able to take care of yourself a little better." this eased Dan's mind, and he smiled. 

"You're a good friend, Phil."

"You too, Dan." 

 

The next few days passed with Phil remaining by Dan's side nearly every minute.

They found almost immediately that showering was going to be a very difficult task, so they decided to opt for baths instead. Phil would fill up the tub and then help Dan in after putting the protective covers on his casts, always making sure not to look down as he assisted him. He would then pull a sheet over the tub, attaching it with suction cups he had stuck to it, onto the side of the tub so Dan's body was hidden to retain some modesty. Phil would help Dan wash his hair, and then rinse it off with the portable nozzle on the tub, allowing Dan to wash his body as best he could.

Afterwards, Phil would help Dan dry off. The first time was incredibly awkward, Phil going to every spot of Dan's body twice before finally working up the courage to move to Dan's thighs. He wrapped the towel around one thigh, doing his best to avoid eye contact with Dan's naked member practically in Phil's face. He moved to the other thigh, and then taking a deep breath, he quickly reached around and rubbed the water off Dan's arse, then moved to the front and cupped Dan's balls through the towel, running up Dan's cock to dry it off. They were both beet red by the end of this, and didn't talk for another five minutes, Phil awkwardly helping Dan back into a robe and back to his bed.

"Um... I'm sorry." Phil said once they were both back in the bed, awkwardly staring at the ceiling.

"It's okay... thanks I mean. For helping me. I know it's weird."

"No, it's not weird!" Phil said unconvincingly, and Dan twisted his neck to look at Phil, raising an eyebrow. Phil met his gaze for the first time in minutes, and began belly laughing.

"Okay, yeah it's weird." Dan started laughing too. "But I don't mind, I just have to get used to it. 

 

The second time Phil helped Dan bathe was a little more awkward. Okay... little might be an understatement. The bath itself was fine, but when Phil took Dan's cock in his palm through the towel to dry it off, Dan felt heat surge through him. He realized he hadn't gotten off in... he didn't even know. A  _long_ time. He'd known that one of the side effects of his pain medication would be not getting aroused as often, but it had been so long that Phil's touch sent a jolt through him, and he felt his cock twitch. 

His eyes snapped up to meet Phil's, his mouth open in shock, and Phil's eyes met his, an identical expression on his face. Dan's cock was still in his hand, and they just froze, looking at each other for a few seconds. 

After these seconds passed, Phil drew his hand away, and the movement against Dan's cock followed by the lack of touch sent fire and pain shooting towards him, and he knew he was at nearly full mast even after such little touch. Both he and Phil were being very careful, however, not to look down.

"Um..." Phil stuttered.

"I'm sorry. Oh god I'm so sorry. It's just... it's been a really long time." Dan said, his cheeks turning bright red to match Phil's. 

"No... no I get it it's okay. I guess you can't really..." 

"Yeah... no I can't. Casts make it kind of... yeah." The two boys sat there awkwardly for a few moments, and Dan felt pain throbbing through him from his hard cock, missing the feel of contact, of touch. 

"I... um... are you able to..." Phil stumbled over his words.

"No... oh god, can you just bring me back to the bed? I'm tired I'll just sleep it off." Phil nodded and carried Dan back to his bed. Dan groaned at the pain in his abdomen, and Phil brought him some heavy sleeping pills they'd been given in case he was in too much pain to fall asleep. He took them with a cracker from the box they kept on the nightstand, and soon he was out cold.

 

* * *

 

 

Phil got up immediately and locked his bedroom door. Oh god... He walked into the bathroom and splashed water on his face, looking at himself in the mirror. It was okay. Everything was fine. It was a natural thing to happen, and he couldn't blame Dan for it. Best thing would be to just go to sleep, and in the morning they could act as if it had never happened. 

Phil brushed his teeth and then climbed into the bed next to Dan, staring at the ceiling. He wasn't tired yet, but he knew if he laid here for long enough in his dark room, lit only slightly by a night light, that he'd fall asleep eventually. 

He was nearly drifting off when he heard the first moan. He looked over in surprise, and saw Dan's lip curled up in his sleep, another soft moan escaping his lips. Phil's eyes shot wide as he realized what was happening.

Dan's abdomen was clenching and unclenching, lifting his hips up slightly, rhythmically, along with his moans. Phil could see clearly through Dan's thin robe that he was aroused, and Phil flushed red. Dan's fingers gripped the sheets of the bed as best they could, still somewhat encumbered by his casts, and now he was picking up speed, humping the air in his sleep. 

Phil didn't know what to do. He thought maybe he should wake Dan up, but then  _oh god._ The noises Dan was making stirred something inside of Phil, and now he felt his own cock growing hard against his pyjama bottoms, and he clenched his jaw. It'd go away. It'd be fine, he just had to ignore it and it'd go away.

Dan's thrusts were becoming more forceful, and with a grunt he actually managed to roll over in his sleep, now laying face first into the bed, so close to Phil that his arm grazed Phil's leg and he pressed against his side. 

Dan's moans intensified, and Phil was actually grateful that he was face first in a pillow now, so Phil's parents couldn't hear, though they were probably asleep. Dan began to thrust into the bed now, and the friction against his neglected cock must have been what Dan needed, because his needy groans were beginning to turn into whimpers. 

Phil couldn't take this. He knew this was wrong. He knew that  _Dan_ shouldn't be making this happen. He knew that he should never be doing this, but Phil couldn't help himself as he reached his hand down and began moving his palm against his cock through his pyjama pants, still watching as Dan moved against the bed. 

"Oh god." he whispered as he palmed himself, and he felt Dan's movements against his side, sending electricity into Phil's body, and it wasn't enough. He shoved his hand under his waistband and began stroking himself, and he tore his eyes away from Dan, but the whimpers and moans continued, and it was so  _hot,_ and Dan wasn't supposed to be hot, and Phil wasn't supposed to do this. He couldn't help the mental image resurface in his mind of holding Dan's hardening cock in his hand. Of allowing his eyes to flicker down for just one moment, and seeing Dan naked in his hand, red and hard.

Dan's moans became louder all of a sudden, unmuffled, and Phil looked over to see that Dan had moved his face so he was now laying on the side of his head, neck twisted so his face was pointing towards Phil. Dan's face was smushed into the pillow, but the look on it as Dan moaned and grabbed at the sheets made Phil weak, and he wasn't strong enough to look away anymore. 

He stroked himself quickly as he took Dan's body in with his eyes. His toes were curling, and his knees rocked forward as Dan's abdomen clenched, sending his groin deeper into Phil's bed. 

Dan's chest heaved, and his fingers grabbed for the sheets, pulling and straining. Dan's face was slack with sleep, but his lip would curl through his moans, and his eyebrows would furrow together, and his lips looked so soft, his cheeks smooth, his lashes dark and long. 

Phil's eyes widened as he saw Dan's eyebrows raise and relax, and heard a long whimper escape his throat as Dan thrust deep into Phil's mattress, holding there for a moment, before continuing with a few small and slow thrusts, working him through his orgasm. 

Phil threw his head back against the headboard at this sight, and his thumb worked over his tip as he stroked. It only took a few more seconds before he was coming, and he bit his lip to hold in any noise, scrunching his face as he came. 

He relaxed afterwards, allowing himself to not think in his post-orgasmic bliss, but it didn't last long.

It only took a few seconds until he realized what had just happened. He shot out of bed, pulling his pyjama shorts back up, rushing into the bathroom to clean off. 

_What the hell?_

Phil wasn't gay. Phil liked girls. Why had seeing Dan that way made Phil so hot? He shook his head. He wasn't going to get anywhere by worrying about this. 

He cleaned up and changed into fresh pyjamas, then pulled the pillow off his bed and laid on the floor, sleep overtaking him quickly in his tired post-orgasmic state. 

He could deal with all this in the morning.

 


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote out this entire chapter... and then refreshed the page... you've got to be kidding me.

Dan woke up slowly, face down on Phil's bed. He opened his eyes to see that Phil wasn't in bed, and he felt a little sad. 

Dan groaned and stretched out, realizing just how sore he was, and in need of fresh painkillers. When Dan stretched his legs behind him, he felt something shift and... what was that? 

There was something crusty and dried sticking to the front of his robe, and...

Oh god.

The memories of the night before came flooding back. The shower, Phil drying him off with the towel, and... no wonder Phil wasn't here. That had been so awkward, and now it looked like it had gotten even worse. This had never happened to Dan before, but the combination of weeks of build up on top of heavy sleeping pills must have messed with his system, and it looked like Dan had done something... unfortunate during the night, and something you were  _definitely_ not supposed to do in a friend's bed. 

_Oh lord now I have to go clean this up, and... SHIT._

Dan's eyes snapped open as he realized the extent of his current situation. Not only had he accidentally gotten hard as his friend dried off his dick yesterday (and wow wasn't that something to have actually happened... god what had Dan's life become?), and not only had he apparently came in his friend's bed, but he now had dried cum stuck all over him, and Dan wasn't exactly in a state to be able to do much to clean himself up.

He could barely grip anything. For gods sake, he had to have Phil rip his toilet paper off because it would just slip between Dan's fingers if he tried to yank it apart. How was he supposed to clean himself off?

Dan groaned loudly, shoving his face back into the pillow in defeat.

"Dan?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Are you awake?" Dan laughed helplessly into his pillow, shaking his head.

"No, Phil, I'm not awake. I'm having a conversation with you in my sleep."

"Right." Phil said, embarrassed, and Dan rolled over to see him getting up off the ground with messy bed head. Of course he had slept on the floor. Just another thing for Dan to feel guilty about, clearly his sudden arousal the night before had made Phil uncomfortable. 

"Could you help me with my pills? Everything hurts." 

"Of course!" Phil got out Dan's meds and coaxed them into him one by one, each followed by a cracker. Once Dan had gotten them all down, Phil capped the bottles and put them back.

"Anything else you need?"

"Um... yeah actually... uh..." Dan's mind was whirring, trying to think up any excuse, but he stopped when Phil let out a deep sigh.

"Okay this is all going to be a lot easier if I just told you... I heard you yesterday. I slept on the floor to give you some... privacy. I know you probably need to... clean up now. Let's get you to the bathroom." Dan's face must have looked like a tomato as he nodded awkwardly, and allowed Phil to lift him off his bed and into the wheelchair, wheeling him to the bathroom. 

"Uh... maybe you can just like... give me the wet towel and turn around and I'll try to do it myself first?"

"If you think you can." Phil responded, not looking Dan in the eye.

"Uh... yeah... yeah I mean I don't know, but... I might as well try." Phil nodded as he wet down a washcloth, wringing it out and then handing it to Dan and turning around. Dan tried to grasp it in his right hand, the one that had the fingers free from the first knuckle up as they peeked out of the cast, but the cloth slipped between his fingers and onto his knee. He reached down with his left hand, trying to get it between the individual finger casts, and he was able to pick it up, but the minute he opened the robe and trying to move it at all against him, the rag would slip out of his grasp. 

He tried dozens of times using different strategies, until he groaned, letting his head fall back in frustration. 

"Dan... I can just help you." Phil said quietly, and Dan sighed. He couldn't imagine anything more degrading than the past few days, but he realized there was no other solution unless he wanted to just leave the dried cum all over him, so he weakly nodded his head.

"Yeah... okay."

Phil turned around and his expression was determined, his mouth in a tight line as he took the washcloth from Dan's lap and began rubbing it around Dan's lower stomach and through his curly hairs, picking the bits of dried cum out from where they were stuck. This all took a few minutes, and finally Phil took a deep breath and let his eyes flick up to meet Dan's for a moment before he wrapped the warm, damp cloth around Dan's base and ran it up his shaft, cleaning him off, and then making a few small circles on the tip to really make sure everything was gone. 

When Phil was satisfied with his work, he stood up and deposited the rag into the laundry basket, leaving and returning a moment later with a fresh robe. He helped Dan change, and once Dan was covered again and they'd moved out of the bathroom and back to Phil's room, they each took a deep breath. 

"Can we just act like the last day didn't happen? Please?" Dan whispered, and Phil actually laughed.

"Yes. Yes please." Dan smiled, and he could truly _feel_ the tension in the room dissolve.

"Alright, so what's for breakfast?"

 

* * *

 

 

Another week passed, and of course they weren't able to fully forget what had happened, but they did put it behind them, and Dan was happy that he and Phil were able to return to a fairly easy friendship, before Phil's family took Dan back to the doctor. The visit went well, they said he was healing quickly, and he got the finger casts off on his left hand which made him want to scream with joy. After so long without being able to do practically  _anything_ for himself, the return of the use of his dominant hand made Dan feel ready to take on the world. 

It was amazing how much a difference three finger casts can make. Now, Dan was able to do many more things for himself. He no longer needed Phil to feed him, he could hold a fork and he could put the pills in his mouth himself when it came time for meds, though he still did need Phil to uncap them. He could clean himself and dry himself off for the most part, and he no longer needed Phil to shampoo and condition his hair. He could rip his own toilet paper, and it was silly how much satisfaction that gave him.

Best of all, though, that night when he returned and it just happened to be the night his body decided it needed release again, he was able to simply tell Phil he needed to use the toilet, and once Phil had helped him position himself on the porcelain bowl and left the room, he was able to take care of himself and clean up. Dan sighed in relief, because he'd been dreading a repeat of what had happened a week earlier, and now he knew that he didn't have to worry about that anymore.

However, the pressure he had to apply and the rapid motions he had used to take care of himself had left his newly healed fingers sore, and he realized he should probably give them a rest for a while. 

"Phil?" he called out when he was done. 

"Yeah?"

"I'm done... can you help me back into the chair?" Phil came into the room and assisted Dan into the chair, and even though he was still pathetic and injured and helpless, he felt good. He had his hand back, and he was on his way back to being a functioning human. 

 

* * *

 

 

Phil sighed as he laid down next to Dan, flicking off the light before the boys went to sleep. He could  _not_ have another one of those dreams tonight. He couldn't let himself have one more night of his subconscious giving him graphic scenes of his mouth colliding with Dan's, their naked bodies crashing together, twisting Dan's hair between his fingers, tugging on his lip with Phil's teeth, and waking up in a cold sweat.

Phil was straight. He had to be straight. He couldn't be having these dreams about Dan, and he couldn't be feeling the light flutters that flowed through him every time he saw Dan's smile, or he looked over to see Dan asleep, his face soft and open, reminding Phil of  _that night._

He looked over and saw that Dan looked this way now, his chest rising and falling slowly, his lips parted, and his face relaxed. He was so pretty looking, and... NO. Phil cut off this train of thought. He was straight. He liked girls. He thought  _girls_ were pretty, not Dan. He wanted to kiss and bite  _girls'_ lips, not the soft pink lips that hung open invitingly, just a foot away from Phil's own. 

Phil brought his hands up to his face, covering it and sighing, letting a small frustrated groan escape into his palms. What was happening to him?

Against his better judgement, Phil turned on his side so he was facing Dan, only about a foot away, and watched as the other boy's lip quivered just slightly as he breathed in and out. His eyelids moved as he slept, and Phil knew he must be in the middle of a dream. He found himself admiring Dan's long, dark eyelashes. They were gorgeous, and... God, he was  _not_ supposed to be looking at Dan like this. They were friends, and  _Phil was straight._ He was straight. 

Phil's arms stretched out a bit on the bed in front of him, and then Dan shifted in his sleep and his left arm moved, his hand finding Phil's and weakly grasping it. Phil froze. Why was his heart beating so fast? Why did he feel like he couldn't quite take deep enough breaths to get the air he needed? 

It wasn't like he hadn't touched Dan before. For god's sake, he'd had his dick in his hand more than once! But something about this was different. It was... intimate. 

Phil knew he should pull his hand away, but he didn't. He wasn't sure why he didn't, but he just couldn't quite bring himself to. He fell asleep with Dan's hand under his, fingers softly wrapping around his hand.

Phil's wish not to have another one of those dreams was not granted that night.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phil is such a hormonal teenager in this fic and I'm laughing xD  
> Also it's an AU, I know they have different birthdays in real life, you'll just have to suspend your disbelief :p

It had been a month since Dan arrived at Phil's house. Things were going well.

Phil had gone back to school a few days after Dan got use of his hand back, and he would go to his classes and then stop by Dan's classrooms and pick up his homework, since Dan could actually write again. 

Phil's parents didn't seem to mind Dan being there much. Or if they did, they were good at hiding it. Phil didn't see much of them, they were generally busy with their jobs or community service events through their church. Phil knew his parents were disappointed that he had stopped going with them to church and to these events. Ever since he'd told them he wanted to stop in sophomore year, things had changed. They still smiled, they still acted the part of a perfect happy family, but the things they said had aggressive undertones, and they mostly stayed away from him.

It made Phil sad, but when he remembered what they had said about Sally, he decided maybe it was for the best. 

Sally was Phil's best friend in freshman year, and at the start of sophomore year, she told him that she liked girls. She also told her parents, and they sent her away to a military school. Phil explained this to his parents, expecting them to share his infuriation, but they stuck their noses in the air and huffed, saying they 'always knew we shouldn't let you around her', and 'there's no saving her now, she's destined to hell'. That was what drew the line for Phil and made him decide to stop going to church.

Phil was a senior now, and he missed his parents, who he felt he hadn't  _really_ talked to for two years, but when he remembered who they were, he realized he missed the idea of them more than themselves. Still, he wanted to make them proud and happy, and he tried his best. He always thought that if he was able to show them that he could still make them proud, even without going to church, that maybe he could get them to understand some of what he believed and they could become more openminded. It hadn't worked yet.

Today, he was making small talk with them as they all helped Dan into the car and headed to the hospital. Phil could tell Dan was nervous, and he wanted to pull his friend in for a hug. He wanted to brush the hair that desperately needed a trimming out of Dan's eyes. He wanted to lean in and... NO.

He wanted Dan not to be nervous. Maybe a pat on the back would do.

 

The hospital passed in a blur. Phil kept wanting to close the distance between himself and Dan and be there with his friend through this, but then remembered he _couldn't_ want that, so his mind was whirring throughout the entire visit, questioning  _why_ he wanted to do these things, and balking before he allowed himself to even think of what the obvious answer was. 

When they were walking out, Phil did bring Dan into a hug. Because he could. Because Dan's smile was so infectious. Because  _they_ were  _walking out_. 

Dan was out of his wheelchair. His casts were off, and he was just left on some minor pain medications and told to take it easy, but Dan was back, and he was  _walking._

While Phil was extremely happy for his friend, he couldn't help but feel a tiny pang of sadness. He would miss taking care of Dan. He'd miss holding him as he moved him to and from his wheelchair. He would miss helping Dan with little things like opening his pill bottles. He'd miss helping Dan bathe... He'd miss helping Dan take off his robe... He'd miss feeling the soft skin of Dan's bare back as he lifted him up to put on his new fresh robe, knowing what was right underneath him but not daring to look...

Phil's eyes widened, and he shook these thoughts off. He decided that he'd miss these things because he was worried. He was worried that now that Dan didn't need him anymore he'd stop spending time with Phil. That without the necessity of their friendship it'd dissolve until Phil was just a guy whose house Dan crashed at.

Logically he knew this was ridiculous, they spent every day together and they'd grown closer than Phil had ever been with anyone, but the irrational side of his brain kept worrying, and he knew it wouldn't stop until it had been proven wrong, so he just had to try to ignore it and wait. Phil could do that. He had become a master at ignoring things.

 

* * *

 

 

Dan wanted to run. He wanted to run and jump and do a fucking cartwheel, but he restrained himself. The doctors had told him to take it easy, and at least for a few weeks to stay off his feet as much as possible, only standing if he was moving between locations. He had a set of crutches in case his legs got too tired or he had to walk a long distance, and a wheelchair if he was going to school, but he was told to try to refrain from walking as much as possible. 

Still, the walk from the hospital room to the car was exhilarating, and when they got back and into Phil's room, Dan laid down on the bed, stretching out and wiggling his fingers and toes, flopping his limbs around because he _could._

Phil giggled in the entrance of the room, and Dan raised an eyebrow. 

"Excuse me, am I not allowed to enjoy this?" Dan asked, and Phil tried to stifle his giggles, unsuccessfully. 

"Of course, of course, sorry you just look really cu... funny." 

"Oh, I look funny, do I?" Dan asked as he crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue, bringing his chin to his neck to create folds underneath it, and continuing to flop his limbs about. 

Phil's giggles turned into a full blown laugh, and he made his way to the bed, hopping on. 

"You're such a dork." he said fondly, and Dan grinned. 

"You love it." He said with a triumphant smile, and Phil just laughed, his laughter almost a little nervous, and it took him a few seconds before he responded.

"I guess." he said quietly, and Dan raised an eyebrow, but smiled as he saw the blush run across Phil's cheeks. He didn't know why his friend blushed so often, but he loved being able to cause it, since it made his cheeks so rosy, and Phil got so adorably uncomfortable. 

They spent the day doing silly things. Playing pattycake, rock paper scissors, really anything that required Dan to use both his hands without putting too much stress on them, just because he could use them now, and he wanted to enjoy that.

When the sun was long since gone, they made their way into the bathroom where they brushed their teeth, and Dan lifted one leg up to lightly push his foot against Phil's shin, trying to knock him off balance, because he  _could._ Phil giggled and then pouted.

"Daaann it's not fair!" he whined. "I can't push you back because you're in recovery." 

"Oh poor you, it's so unfair that I almost died and ended up severely crippled for over a month!" Dan shot back, making fun of his friend.

"Oh yeah, well I'm the one who washed your dick for you!" Phil retorted, and they both fell silent. There was a long uncomfortable silence where they both just stared at each other in shock through their reflections in the mirror, before Dan sighed and raised his eyebrows, leaning forward to spit in the sink.

"You got me on that one. Though I do have to say, getting your dick washed because your crippled might outweigh it a little. You know... the humiliation, the guilt, the helplessness... You shouldn't complain."

"I'm not complaining!" Phil responded. "Hey at least it was a nice dick, not some shriveled old..." Phil trailed off here, realizing what he'd just said, and Dan grinned.

"Oh, I have a nice dick, now do I?"

"That's not what I... I meant.... Oh never mind." Phil was the color of a raspberry now, and quickly rinsed out his mouth and toothbrush, darting out of the bathroom. Dan laughed for a moment, shaking his head before he followed.

When Dan entered the room, Phil was on the phone with someone. Dan hovered in the doorway, unsure of whether he should return to the bathroom to give Phil space.

"Yeah thanks. No, not really. No. I mean, it just came up so fast this year I didn't really think about it. Well thanks anyway. No, you really don't have to. Okay yeah, I'll see you. Love you too. Bye."

Phil set the phone down, and Dan walked in.

"Who was that?" 

"Oh. Just my aunt. She was just calling to wish me... uh just to say hi."

"To wish you...?" Dan asked, raising an eyebrow, and Phil heaved a sigh.

"She was calling to say happy birthday. Uh... my birthday is tomorrow." Dan's jaw dropped.

"WHAT? HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME? PHILLIP MICHAEL LESTER, AS YOUR BEST FRIEND I NEED TO KNOW WHEN YOUR BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP!" Phil flinched back, laughing as Dan crawled onto the bed, shaking Phil's shoulders.

"I'm sorry!" he squeaked. "I just wanted today to be about you and getting your casts off. I don't really care about my birthday... I honestly forgot it was coming up until just a few days ago." 

"Phil! What do you want?" Dan asked, sitting back and shaking his head while grinning at his idiotic friend.

"Nothing. No really, I'm fine. Just... I want to spend my day with you." Dan smiled and crawled further towards Phil to pull him into a hug from the side, wrapping his arms around Phil's torso and arms, and pulling him towards Dan.

"You're an absolute dork. Of course I'll spend the day with you." Phil leaned further into Dan's touch, and even leaned his head backwards so it rested on Dan's shoulders. 

"Good." he said, and a peaceful smile spread across his face. Dan smiled. His friend always seemed to be either worrying or putting up an act of happiness... to an extent. This was the first time Dan saw him look truly peaceful, and it spread a warmth out from Dan's heart and through his body.

They sat this way for a while, until they eventually decided it was time for sleep. Neither of them seemed to want to move, though, so Phil just reached out to click off the light and they slipped under the duvet. They weren't hugging anymore, but they turned so they were facing each other, and they were on the same side of the bed, so Dan's nose was probably only five or six inches from Phil's. 

"Goodnight, Phil. Happy birthday-eve." 

Phil smiled and closed his eyes.

"Goodnight, Dan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone notice the easter egg from Dan and Phil's radio show with Dan rubbing Phil's leg with his foot wearing the boots? ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you all know, these next two days are going to be HELL for me, I'm ridiculously busy, so I may not really be around today/tomorrow :( But don't worry I haven't disappeared from the site, I just am not sure I'll have the time to commit to writing today/tomorrow, as each chapter on average takes me 2-3 hours. I'm starting this early so I can hopefully get one chapter up today, and then I'll try to write one tomorrow, but... idk :\ I'm sorry Ily all <3
> 
> I know it was a super short chapter, I'm sorry, like I said I have NO time today or tomorrow I just wanted to get something out to you guys.

"PHILLIP MICHAEL LESTER YOU GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT BOY!" Dan blinked awake in surprise, adjusting to the sudden light that flooded into the room. 

He was laying in Phil's bed, wrapped in blankets, and... uh oh. Phil's arms were wrapped around Dan and his leg was twined through Phil's, and Phil's mum stood in the door looking as if she'd just seen a ghost. Dan scrambled away from Phil who seemed to be just coming to this realization himself. 

"I THOUGHT WE RAISED YOU RIGHT. AND THEN WE ALLOW THIS BOY IN OUR HOUSE, AND YOU... YOU..." 

"Mum we didn't do anything! We just fell asleep I swear! We must have just moved in our sleep, oh god..." Phil trailed off to himself, eyes wide in panic.

'YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN! We thought we'd raised you right... we really did... And then you denied our religion, and  _even then_ we thought there was still hope. But now... you are not our son. We will not have a son that... that..." it seemed like she was having a hard time saying the words. "That sleeps... with  _boys."_

"Mum! Nothing happened! He's just my friend!"

"Don't you think your father and I have seen the way you two look at each other? We were hoping it was nothing. We were hoping you'd realize how wrong it is on your own. You are going to hell, and you  _need_ to get out of my house  _now."_

Dan tried to help, "Mrs. Lester I'm so sorry. It was really nothing I can leave if it helps, so Phil can stay and..." 

"Phillip Michael Lester you are a disgrace to this family's name." Mrs. Lester didn't even look to Dan as he spoke, as if he didn't exist. "You have ten minutes to collect you things, and then I expect you  _gone."_

She turned and slammed the door on her way out, and the two boys sat in stunned silence for a while. 

"Phil, I'm so sorr-"

"Don't be. They're judgemental assholes, it's time I moved out anyway." Phil said, and his eyes were dark as he grabbed a backpack violently, beginning to shoving things inside.

"Where are we gonna go?" Dan asked softly, and Phil shrugged.

"Anywhere. Somewhere that's not here. I'm eighteen now... we can get jobs and I can rent out a place." Neither of them spoke of the fact that they both said 'we', and Dan was a bit relieved that it sounded as if they were in this together. 

"Maybe we can start at my old house. Both my parents are locked up and I have some old things I've been wanting to go get anyway..."

"Sure. Fine. Whatever." Phil said as he got his things together.

"I fucking hate them. What if I _was_ gay? They should be fucking okay with that. It should be okay to like guys! And what if I did? It shouldn't be a problem. I could and they wouldn't even know!" 

"Phil... you're repeating yourself..." Dan raised an eyebrow, trying to lighten the mood.

"I don't fucking care it's because it's important! They're assholes!" Dan sighed as he listened to Phil, and they continued to pack their things.

 

* * *

 

 

Phil grabbed Dan's hand and stormed out of the room. Maybe he did it on purpose. Maybe there was a little part of him that wanted to throw a last 'fuck you' at his parents as they left. He was glad when he saw that they were both standing by the door. 

Phil didn't say a word as he dragged Dan out the door, and then they were standing on the patio and Phil's parents were glaring at them with these hateful expressions. Phil looked at Dan, as if to say 'I'm going to say something'. Dan shook his head in warning, but Phil opened his mouth to speak, and then-

He saw out of the corner of his eye Dan heave a breath, and then Phil's face was being pulled away from his parents and Dan was holding his face in his hands, and Dan was kissing him.

"You are a disgrace, boy. You're both going to hell!" His dad hissed, but Phil didn't care. He smiled into the kiss and pulled Dan closer by his waist, cheekily opening one eye to look at his parents, making direct eye contact, and relishing in their openmouthed shock.

Of course Dan would pull a stunt like this, and Phil fucking loved it. It was the biggest 'fuck you' he could give his parents, and the looks on their faces were priceless. After looking at them for a few moments, he closed his eye again and deepened the kiss, breathing heavily through his nose as he pulled Dan tight against him from the small of his back, and he heard the door slam.

The two boys broke apart, laughing, and began walking down the street.

"Well that was... something. Sorry if I shouldn't have done that... just seemed arguing wasn't going to help anything, and... I really just kinda wanted to see their faces." Dan shrugged, grinning, and Phil shook his head with a matching smile on his face.

"Don't be sorry, that was perfect. Holy shit, Dan..." Phil trailed off, still a bit in disbelief. 

Of course he was sad, and angry, and scared about what he had to do now, but at least Dan had lightened the mood, and Phil allowed himself to be distracted by his giggles. 

 

* * *

 

They began to walk back to Dan's old home. 

He couldn't believe he'd actually kissed Phil. He'd half expected to be pushed off and yelled at, but Phil had seemed to like the statement it made, and actually kissed Dan back. He hadn't intended for it to get so intense, but it had, and Dan had actually been left with a few little butterflies he couldn't explain fluttering about in his chest.

Those butterflies died the minute his old house came into sight. 

The memories came flooding back the minute he stepped inside. Everything he'd been keeping under the surface. Everything he'd tried to forget since waking up in the hospital. His father, the fear, the way his own fear which had shaped him. Phil had brought him out of his shell since, but walking into this house it was almost as if all the growth he'd made in the past month and a half disappeared, and he was back to being that scared quiet child again.

Dan felt tears prick at his eyes, and Phil looked over.

"We're not staying here." He said softly, and Dan nodded. He had no idea why he'd thought that would be a good idea.

"I'm just... I'm gonna grab my stuff, just wait here I'll be right back."

"You sure you don't want me to come wi-"

"No." Dan cut him off, and made his way up the stairs to his room. He found himself being quiet, because even though he knew his father was in jail, something in him was terrified that he'd come around the corner any minute, brandishing his belt and telling Dan to get on all fours.

Dan rushed through his room, grabbing basic things he'd left behind. There wasn't much, but his old schoolwork, some extra clothing, a blanket, he even grabbed a towel from his bathroom since he didn't know where they'd be staying or if they'd need one. 

When he was in the bathroom, going through the drawers, he found his old razor. Something deep inside him pulled towards it, and he wanted to feel the cold metal against his arm. He wanted to watch the blood pool out and flow over his arm, dripping onto the linoleum below. He wanted to feel the sting that would take away the fear that his dad was about to turn the corner. That would make him forget. 

He resisted this, but at the last minute took the razor, slipping it into his pocket. He made his way back down, and rummaged through the kitchen, taking anything that hadn't gone bad. He went through and told Phil everything he'd gotten. He didn't tell him about the razor.

Phil had enough money to put them up in a nearby Motel for the night, so they went there and threw their things down on the floor, climbing into bed. They could deal with all of this tomorrow.

As he fell asleep, Dan ran his hand over the blade in his pocket. It felt smooth... inviting. 

Dan shook this off, putting his hands above the covers, and drifting into sleep.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry

Dan woke up to the sound of a phone ringing, and looked over to see Phil's phone lit up on the nightstand. Phil was sound asleep, so Dan reached over to see who it was, and read the contact name 'Mum'. He sighed and turned the phone on vibrate, setting it back down on the nightstand.

He woke up again, and it didn't feel like he'd been asleep for long, to the phone's vibrations. Sighing, he picked it up and saw that there were nine texts and two voicemails from 'Mum'. Dan nearly put the phone back, but then curiosity won him over, and he opened the texts.

 

**Mum: Phillip your father and I are extremely disappointed in you, but we both realize we may have overreacted. We're the ones who allowed that evil boy into our house and let him corrupt you. We want to invite you back, so long as you swear never to speak to him again, and come back to church.**

 

Dan cringed at the words 'evil boy', and opened the next message.

 

**Mum: Phillip answer your phone.**

**Mum: Where are you even sleeping? It's not safe for you out there - come home.**

**Mum: It's all that stupid boy's fault. You have to cut him out of your life.**

**Mum: He's the reason for all of this. He needs God, but I'm not letting my family be torn apart by trying to help him anymore. He'll have to find that on his own. Can't you see he's ruined you, Phillip?**

**Mum: Is he really worth this?**

**Mum: It's getting late. I hope you're not sleeping in the park.**

**Mum: If you're sleeping with that boy, Phillip...**

**Mum: He's not good for you.**

 

By the end of the texts, Dan felt a tingling in his nose and eyes. Was she right? Had he ruined Phil's life? He thought about it for a moment.

Yes, Phil had been bullied before, but he loved his family. He was a happy person, and the only person he had to worry about was himself. Now he was homeless, without a job, his family hated him, and he had to take care of Dan, the reason for all of this, on top of it all.

Dan's breath hitched as he set the phone down on the bed beside him. 

This was all his fault. Everything. He had ruined Phil's life, and the only way Phil could get it back was for Dan to be out of the picture. He wasn't worthy of Phil. He didn't deserve him. It wasn't worth Dan's happiness to ruin Phil's life, but he knew Phil was too nice to do what was necessary and cut Dan out of his life, so it was up to Dan to do something about it.

Dan slipped out of bed, tears pricking his eyes, and made his way to the bathroom. It wasn't the cleanest bathroom, but what had he expected? It was a cheap motel. 

Dan's fingers shook as he shuffled the blade out of his pocket, and he looked at himself in the mirror, taking a deep breath. He walked over to the bathtub and climbed in, resting backwards against the porcelain tub and the tiled wall. He drew the curtain shut. At least this way it would be contained, and he wouldn't burden people too much with the clean up.

He was done being a burden. He was done making people clean up after him. He was done.

The tears were falling freely now, but Dan felt nothing. He felt like his emotions had been shoved down into a padded box, and even the loudest ones had been muffled to the point of silence. 

He pulled up the sleeve of his right arm, revealing the thin horizontal scars of the past. This one wouldn't match. This would be the scar to rule all the others. It'd be the scar that would strike through them, running the opposite direction, cutting deep. This would be the cut that he wouldn't bandage.

Dan was amazed at how calm he was. How regular his breathing and heartbeat were as he pressed the razor into the flesh right below the palm of his heel, aiming specifically for that blue vein he could see clearly. He barely felt the pain as he dug it deep and then dragged it through his arm to just a few inches below his elbow, ripping and slicing, watching the blood pour out and over his arm, staining his torso and legs red, dripping down into the bath and then down the drain.

He wasn't surprised when he began to feel lightheaded, and he simply laid back in the bath, using his left arm to gently squeeze his right forearm rhythmically, working the blood out of him. 

He watched as the outer corners of his vision began going black, and the blackness slowly moved to the center, until Dan closed his eyelids, welcoming the dark.

 

* * *

 

 

Phil woke to the feeling of a buzz tingling his knuckles. He opened his eyes and saw his phone vibrating. He picked it up and read the word 'Mum', and sighed, tossing it back on the bed. 

Phil glanced over and saw that Dan was no longer there. The light in the bathroom was, though, Dan must be in there. 

The thought of the bathroom made Phil realize he needed to pee, and he groaned. Of course his body would make him get out of his cozy cocoon of blankets in the middle of the night. He sighed and stood, straightening his shirt and pajama bottoms, ruffling his hands through his hair, as he walked up to the bathroom door and knocked. 

"Hey Dan, how long are you gonna be?"

No response.

"Dan?" 

Still no response.

"Dan, are you in there?" Had Dan accidentally just left the light on, and actually gone down into the motel for some reason? He may have. Phil did remember seeing a computer lab, and the motel didn't have wireless internet, so he wouldn't be surprised. 

He reached forward and grabbed the handle, turning it slowly. When he realized it was unlocked, he pushed the door open a crack. 

"Dan?" He called in, not wanting to barge in if his friend just hadn't heard him somehow. When there was no answer, Phil shrugged and walked in, making his way to the toilet and turning away from it, sitting down. He was too tired to trust his aim right now. 

He sighed as he relieved himself, then began looking around the bathroom, grimacing at the state of it. He wondered how this motel was still open.  _Oh well,_ he thought,  _it keeps it cheap, and right now cheap lodging is exactly what I need._

He got up and washed his hands, running his finger over the edge of the sink, and cringing as his finger came off with a layer of dust attached to it. Oh god, what was the shower going to be like in the morning? Did they at least provide the standard shampoo, conditioner, and soap? Because Phil hadn't brought that, and he was becoming more and more doubtful that they would have anything provided for them. 

He sighed, already feeling disappointed as he pulled the shower curtain aside to reveal...

Phil felt as if his stomach fell out of him and his heart stopped all at once. His eyes took in the scene in mere seconds. 

Dan was laying in the tub, his left arm around his right which was mangled with a long and deep cut, a stained razor resting on Dan's hip. And the blood... there was so much blood. Phil stood in shocked silence for only a second, taking all this in, before he fell to his knees and screamed.

"DAN! DAN NO!" He reached forward and pressed two fingers to the side of Dan's throat, and  _Thank god._ There was a pulse. It was weak. So weak it took Phil a few seconds to find, but it was there and that was what mattered. Phil wracked his brain for what to do, and leaped away from Dan, running to the bed and snatching up his phone, calling 999. He hurriedly answered a few questions and they dispatched a crew. Phil returned to the bathroom, ripping off his shirt and wrapping it around Dan's forearm.

He lifted Dan's torso and climbed into the tub behind Dan, placing his legs on either side of his friend and wrapping his arms around him. He was sat in a pool of blood, but he didn't care. He hugged Dan and cried, whispering into his ear.

"Dan... Dan please stay with me. Dan I need you, come on don't die on me. Help is on its way, just please,  _please_ stay with me I don't know what I'd do without you. Dan.... Oh god, oh god, oh god..." he let his face fall into Dan's shoulder, and he cried. He cried until the shoulder of Dan's shirt was soaked with tears. He cried, and he kept checking Dan's pulse, cursing the ambulance for taking so long. 

Finally, after what felt like hours, Phil heard the door to their room open, and a group of paramedics burst into the bathroom. They quickly assessed the situation, and then they had Dan on a stretcher and Phil was following, and then he was climbing into an ambulance, and he didn't understand what the medics were saying, but he knew that Dan was still alive for now, and he prayed... he didn't even know to who... that he would stay that way. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, I know, as I said I'm crazy busy today and tomorrow, but I've been thinking about this all day so I busted it out on a break I really didn't have, but ykno. Professional procrastinator here.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is becoming a short chaptered fic. That may be because right now my life is kinda crazy and I still want to be able to update regularly but don't have the time to spend 3hrs/chapter, or maybe the story is just working this way. We'll see if it continues this way, let me know if you like this style for this story or not :) <3

Four days. Four days of torture. Four days of waiting. Four days of the unknown. For days to realize how much impact the boy in the hospital bed had made on Phil's life, and how empty he'd feel without him. Four days of being told to give up.

Phil didn't give up. Dan couldn't die. He couldn't stay in this coma until his body finally gave up. Phil  _would_ see his eyes open again. He  _would_ see that smile. He  _would_ hear Dan's laugh.

By the end of the fourth day, the nurse was leaving the hospital room. "You sure you want to stay in here?" she asked, sighing and looking at Phil with pity in her eyes. 

"Yes." was all he said, voice hoarse from crying. 

He never wanted to be in a hospital again. Never wanted to watch Dan in that bed and not know if he'd get out. 

Phil's parents had been trying to contact him. He'd turned off his phone.

The only person he cared about talking to was here, and Phil would be there the minute Dan's mouth opened to speak.

Evening turned into night, and Phil knew this pattern. He would stay up late, holding onto the hope that Dan would wake up, not wanting to be asleep for that. He'd push himself until finally collapsing at around three or four in the morning. He'd be woken up by the hourly check ups by the nurses, and each time he'd try to stay awake again, but he'd cave quickly. This would continue for three to four visits, and then Phil would be rested enough to go another day. 

Overall, he was probably getting four hours of sleep at most per night. 

He didn't care.

He sat there in silence, watching Dan's still form as the clock ticked on.

He looked at Dan's lips, and remembered the thin line his upper lip would make while his lower one filled out, pushed and tightened against his bottom teeth as he smiled. His gaze moved to Dan's closed eyes, and admired his long lashes, remembering how pretty they were when coupled with his chocolatey irises.

He looked to Dan's cheeks and skin, and part of him wanted to brush his hand over it, sure that it would be smooth and soft. He remembered the dimples that formed on Dan's cheeks as he grinned, the left dimple making a deep crevice in his skin, while his right dimple made only a small crease. He looked up to the side of Dan's face, and remembered the little creases that his skin made near his eyes when Dan smiled, and Phil couldn't help but smile himself at the thought, because it might just be the cutest thing he'd ever seen. 

He sighed and stood up, walking towards the side of Dan's bed. He looked down at his friend, and willed him to wake up. Phil's eyes repeated their tour of Dan's features, and when his gaze found Dan's forehead, he didn't hold himself back. He reached a hand up slowly, and gently brushed the back of his knuckles along Dan's forehead and then down his right temple and to his ear, leaving his hand rested against the side of Dan's head. 

His eyes widened as Dan drew in a bigger breath through his nose, his chest rising, and a sound reaching Phil's ears from the air rushing through Dan's nostrils, but he reminded himself that this happened often, and he always got his hopes up just for them to be slashed again. It was just a natural response in Dan's coma, it didn't mean he was waking up. 

Phil sighed and continued his hand's exploration, dragging the backs of his fingers lightly down Dan's cheek over the cheekbone, and then following Dan's jawline from the base to the tip of Dan's chin then back. He moved his hand down the side of Dan's neck, and here there was another breath in that caught Phil's attention, but nothing more. 

He ran his fingers across Dan's collarbones, scooping in the middle into the dip at the base of Dan's throat. 

He had been right, Dan's skin was incredibly soft. 

Slowly, carefully, he brought his hand back up to Dan's jaw, and turned his hand so now the pads of his fingers were touching Dan's face, and he cupped Dan's jaw in his hand. He looked at his friend, the tips of his fingers up by Dan's ear, while the palm of his heel surrounded the curve of his jaw, Phil's thumb playing over the spot underneath the hollow of Dan's cheekbone. 

"Please wake up." he whispered, but Dan didn't stir. Phil let a long breath escape him, and allowed his gaze to fall to the floor in defeat and acceptance. He rubbed his thumb against where it rested on Dan's face gently, and then pulled his hand away, turning from Dan and going back to his chair. 

He kept his gaze on the floor for some time, and then decided he should probably sleep. Dan wasn't going to wake up anytime soon... if he woke up at all.

This was the first time Phil allowed himself to accept that Dan may never wake up, and he felt as if the world had collapsed onto his shoulders, and all the wind had been knocked out of him.

He leaned back against his chair with his eyes closed, getting ready to fall asleep, and opened one eye in a last check on Dan. 

Both his eyes shot open.

Dan's eyes were still closed. His expression was still the same, but Dan's arm had moved! His hand was up against his jaw, touching the space Phil's hand had occupied only moments earlier. 

When Phil got up and moved closer, he noticed that Dan's eyebrows were furrowed just  _barely,_ so he looked just slightly confused. His fingers twitched against his jaw as he held it there, and Phil let out a shaky breath, tears immediately welling in his eyes.

Phil raised his hand, placing it gently on top of Dan's, and a choked sob escaped him when Dan's eyelashes fluttered open. Dan's eyes swam in confusion for a few moments before honing in on Phil's face. Phil laced his fingers through Dan's, who was still feeling his jaw and cheek, and Phil covered his own mouth with his other hand to try to keep in any more choked noises. 

"Phil?" Dan asked, his voice more of a whisper than anything else.

"Dan... Dan I'm right here with you. I'm not leaving you. You're going to be okay! Oh god, Dan, you're going to be okay!" Phil gave up on trying to keep his vocal composure, accepting that his voice cracked and his throat pulled tight with every word, and not caring because  _Dan was awake and he was going to be okay._

Phil quickly reached over to press the button he'd been told would call the nurses if Dan woke up, and then he brought his hand to cup Dan's other cheek, so one was on the left side of Dan's face, while the other cupped Dan's own hand on the right jaw. 

Dan gave Phil a weak smile and nodded slightly, his eyelids falling to half mast. 

"Dan, please don't fall asleep on me again. A nurse will be here in just a moment, please just stay awake until then. Can you do that for me?" Dan nodded into Phil's hands, eyelids still low, but not closed. In a state of drowsiness and medication, Dan turned his head slightly towards the side of his face with only Phil's hand, and pressed his lips lightly to the heel of Phil's palm, then returned his head to the center. Phil smiled and ran his thumb in small circles against Dan's face, returning his affections.

The nurse came in a few minutes later and asked Dan some questions, changed his IV to something new, and Phil didn't know what it was because when the nurse explained, he had just been staring into Dan's eyes, now nearly entirely closed, just happy that he had seen the ghost of a Dan smile again, and knowing that somewhere in the nurse's description she had said the important words Phil had been hoping for.

"He should make a full recovery." 

 


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are so incredibly wonderful. Thank you for all the support <3

"Dan? Dan can you hear me? Hey... Hey, Dan it's me. You're okay, you're going to be okay." Dan furrowed his brow at the boy above him. 

Why was he here? He wasn't supposed to be here. He wasn't supposed to be awake. It was supposed to be over, what had happened?

"Phil?" He croaked, confused.

"Yes. Yes it's me, I'm right here Dan, I'm not leaving you."

"What happened? Why am I here?" 

"I... you... I found you. I called an ambulance, and they were able to save you!" Phil smiled at him, and Dan shook his head slightly. 

"You shouldn't have." he muttered, and closed his eyes, letting his head rest back into his pillow. 

"Dan what are you talking about? Of course I should have... you're my best friend, I wasn't just going to let you bleed out!" 

Dan kept his eyes closed as he responded. "You should have left me. I'm just a burden. You should have left me then, but you didn't... you should leave now." 

"Wh... no... what are you talking about? You're not a burden! Dan... is that why you did it? Do you really think you're a burden on me? Dan... I like spending time with you. I enjoy your company, and I really,  _really_ haven't minded taking care of you. You're not a burden." Phil insisted, and Dan pursed his lips, shaking his head slightly. He opened his eyes.

"Phil, I got you kicked out of your home. I ruined your relationship with your family. I've made you miss the entire beginning of the school year. I've ruined your life, I'm done fucking things up. Just please... let me be." Dan pleaded with his eyes on these last words, hoping that Phil listened and left.

He didn't. 

Phil reached forward and took Dan's chin in his fingers, forcing Dan to look at him. 

"Dan, you opened my eyes. You didn't ruin my relationship with my parents, you showed me who they truly are, and they aren't people I  _want_ to be living with. I've been happier with you in these past few weeks than I have in my entire life. I'm not letting you get away from me that easily, because the only way you could ruin my life right now would be to leave it." Dan saw tears form in Phil's eyes, and one actually dripped over the edge, trailing down Phil's cheek and then falling onto the robe on Dan's chest.

Fuck that robe. Fuck hospital robes. He hated these fucking things he'd spent so long in a fucking robe, he... Okay he was letting his mind go off on tangents, and there was something more important to deal with right now.

"Oh..." he started, not knowing exactly how to respond. He didn't agree with Phil. He still thought he'd ruined Phil's life, but he could see that Phil believed what he said, and Dan was too weak to argue anymore. He sighed, and supposed that if Phil believed this so much, then it was up to Dan to do what Phil wanted. He came to this decision and nodded his head slightly, determined now not to cause Phil anymore pain. If that meant staying alive for him, so be it.

"Okay." he finished, and he knew it was a pathetic answer, but it was all he had right now. His head was beginning to swim again, and the edges of his vision were darkening. "I won't leave you, Phil." he confirmed, as he drifted into the blackness.

 

 

Dan's recovery took two weeks. During these weeks, Phil scoured the internet for jobs and cheap apartments. 

A week in, he got an interview at a radio station. BBC Radio 1 ended up hiring him, and it was sort of the perfect job, because it was only four days a week, short hours, and he got paid handsomely. It wouldn't allow them to live in luxury, but it should be able to cover the basics of cheap rent, and food to stay alive. 

At the end of the second week, Phil had gone through his training and found an apartment that Dan seemed to like, within their price range. 

"Phil, you can't be the only one with a job. I have to contribute too, I'll get a job." Dan kept saying, but Phil would just shake his head.

"We're in a good place right now. This is a good start, and you need to take some time to heal. You can get a job later, right now just focus on taking care of yourself." Dan would grumble, but Phil would pull him in for a hug, placing a kiss on the top of Dan's head, and Dan would cave and agree.

Phil spoke to the school as well, and found out that neither of them were on track to pass this year, not like that was any surprise. Phil decided to enroll in an online independent study program, while Dan opted to get his GED. They'd spend days in the hospital on their laptops, Dan studying for his tests, and Phil typing out essays online. 

At the end of the two weeks, Phil helped Dan into a wheelchair to go to their new apartment.

"Do I really have to sit in this thing?" Dan grumbled, shifting in his chair.

"Yes. Yes, you do. The doctors said you still could get really lightheaded, especially with the meds you're on this time, and we don't need you fainting and hitting your head. It's just not safe to have you walking." Dan groaned but obliged, and Phil pushed him out. 

Phil called a cab and they drove with all their stuff that the hospital had allowed them to store there, until they were pulling up at their new flat. 

The cabbie was extremely nice and actually helped them bring everything inside, and then Phil was wheeling Dan in, and they were there. They were in their new apartment.

"Phil..." Dan said breathily, wide eyed as he gazed upon their new home. "It's perfect... thank you." 

Phil smiled and put a hand on the back of Dan's wheelchair as he stood next to him, looking over the house. 

It was small. There was a tiny kitchen attached to a small lounge, one bathroom and one bedroom. Phil had tried to find a place with two bedrooms, but they were all outside he and Dan's price range, so in the end they decided they'd been sharing a bed since Dan moved to Phil's, it'd be fine to continue. 

Even though it was small, it felt cozy instead of cramped. It was sweet, and Phil liked it. It was entirely empty and all they had was bags, so they'd need to furnish it soon, once Phil started getting paid. He had a bit of money saved up, but it wasn't much. Luckily, the landlord left a mattress and frame there for them, so they had somewhere to sleep.

Phil wheeled Dan through the apartment slowly, and they both had grins from ear to ear. They looked in the kitchen and lounge first, then Phil turned Dan and wheeled him to the bathroom, and then to the bedroom. When they stopped there, Phil was no longer looking at the house. He was looking at Dan. Grinning at the way Dan's face lit up. Phil didn't think that anything could make him happier than seeing Dan happy right now, especially after everything he'd been through.

"Welcome home." Phil whispered, and Dan pushed himself up onto his feet. "Dan... don't-" Phil started, but Dan wasn't intending on holding up his own body weight. He fell into Phil, wrapping his arms around Phil's neck, nestling his head in the crook of his shoulder. Phil smiled and hugged Dan back, wrapping his arms around the younger boy's waist.

"Thank you." Dan whispered, and Phil's heart soared. He felt giddy. He just wanted to pull back and look at Dan face to face. He wanted to take that soft, sweet face in his hands and pull himself forward, and... NO.

Phil was perfectly content just hugging Dan. Nothing more. 

After a few moments they pulled apart. Dan kept his hands on Phil's shoulders, keeping himself steady, then released Phil as he walked over to the bed and flopped down. Phil giggled a bit as Dan just allowed himself to fall straight on his face, burying himself in the mattress. He couldn't help but notice the curve of Dan's back. How it rose and fell at the top, making an 'S' shape as it curved down to the small of Dan's back, then came back up where Dan's bum was, and oh god Phil was staring. 

He averted his eyes quickly, and with a nervous laugh, sat on the edge of the bed. "Well... we made it!" He said lightheartedly, but when Dan turned his face up to look at Phil, there were tears in his eyes.

"Only because of you." he whispered, and Phil's concern took over, helping Dan to sit up and face Phil, taking the younger's hands in his.

"Dan..." he started, but Dan shook his head.

"No, Phil. I'm such a mess. I've been a mess... forever. I was lost... and you found me, and I'm so happy you did, because you bring out the best in me, and you've helped me to feel normal sometimes, but deep down... deep down I'm broken. That's always going to be there, you know that, right?" 

"I... I know." Phil whispered, and Dan nodded.

"I'm so sorry for what I've put you through. I don't want to, I... I just... sometimes escape feels like the only answer." With this, Dan's eyes flicked down to his heavily bandaged arm. 

"Dan... just please next time you feel like you need to hurt yourself... come find me first, okay?" Phil asked weakly, and Dan nodded.

"I'll try."

"Thank you. Dan... I don't know what I'd do without you. I..." Phil flicked his gaze away from Dan, feeling a small blush creep up his cheeks. "I love you." he glanced back up at Dan, and was relieved when he saw that there was no disgust in his eyes. "I can't lose you."

Dan sighed, and pulled Phil in for another hug. There was silence for a long time, and Phil didn't think any more was going to be said of this, until Dan's soft whisper reached his ear.

"I love you too, Phil."

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that I'm always accepting prompts :) You can comment them or email them to me at mollieblack123@gmail.com :)

Dan woke up first. He looked across the bed and saw Phil, and a small smile tickled the corners of his lips, turning them upwards in a sleepy half-smile. 

He knew everything was going to be okay now. Phil had a job, they had a house, and Dan no longer had to worry about going back to school. Phil  _wanted_ Dan in his life, and Dan felt happy.

Of course there was the same little voice at the back of his head, telling him there was a pair of scissors in his backpack that could easily finish what he had started the other day, but this time he realized that wasn't what he wanted. Sure, he couldn't shake the voice, and the thought was ever present, but it didn't feel like an inviting thought. Instead, it felt like the feeling you have when you're at an open window at the top of a tall building. You want to stay away from it, because even though you realistically wouldn't just  _fall_ out, it feels scary to look down, and you don't even want to go near it.

Dan wanted to stay far away from those scissors. 

He sighed, because he knew that wouldn't last forever. He knew something was bound to happen someday, and he'd be back to wanting to feel that cold metal against his skin, feel the ripping and tearing of flesh, wanting to allow the blackness to take over, and hoping that the light never returned. The difference was that now he had Phil. 

Before he had been lost. He'd been wandering, and when that fear and self-hatred would rear its angry head, he'd have no one to help him. Now, things were different.

Phil had found him. Phil had saved him. He knew that Phil would help him, and deep down, he knew that he was going to be okay.

He looked at Phil, allowing his gaze to linger, appreciating his best friend. Phil looked... gorgeous when he was asleep. Dan couldn't think of another word to explain it. He was beautiful, and Dan found himself wanting to be closer.

This train of thought pulled him up short. Phil was a guy. He was a guy, and he was Dan's best friend. Dan wasn't supposed to be thinking these things or feeling this way, right? 

Dan tore his gaze away from his friend, and looked at the ceiling, a whole new can of worms having just been opened.

Did he like Phil? Of course he liked Phil, but did he  _like_ Phil? He thought about this for a long time.

Phil was good looking, Dan would be the first to admit that. His eyes were captivating, his little skewed smirk was tantalizing, and his skin was soft but rough all at once.

His lips were soft, Dan remembered that. He remembered the rage boiling inside of him when Phil had been kicked out of his family's home. He remembered their accusations and assumptions about Dan and Phil, and he remembered wanting to stick it to them, getting the last word as they left. 

Dan remembered how he hadn't even really thought about it, just grabbing Phil and pulling him towards him. Dan remembered how their faces had slammed together. It'd been violent, and it'd made his eyes prick with the tingling sensation sent from his smashed nose, but when he had opened his eyes to look and see what Phil's parents' reactions were, it had all been worth it. He had smiled into the kiss, smirking cruelly at Phil's parents' discomfort, then closed his eyes and deepened the kiss, just to really drive the point home. 

When that had happened, it had all been for Phil's parents. He honestly hadn't even thought about Phil until afterwards, when he suddenly wondered if he'd made an awful mistake, but Phil had assured him it was fine.

Now he kind of wanted to feel those soft lips again. Those lips that were parted in sleep, warm and pink and inviting. He wanted to feel Phil's lips against his own, and this time not for anyone but the two of them. 

Dan sighed, burying himself deeper into the pillow as he admitted to himself that his feelings weren't as platonic as he had originally thought. So... maybe he wasn't so straight as he had thought. He was still fairly certain he wasn't  _gay_... Phil was just an exception. Anyways, who  _couldn't_ fall in love with Phil? He was so sweet and thoughtful and selfless and beautiful and...  _Phil._

Dan shook his head into his pillow, remembering the reality of the situation. Phil was straight. Not only was he straight, he was rigidly  _straight._ Like a dry noodle. He'd also been raised Christian, and even though he no longer practiced, Phil still carried some of the thoughts with him. Just look at his parents. Sure, in a moment of rebellion he'd been willing to kiss a guy to prove a point, but still deep down, he had been raised how he had been raised.

Dan even suspected that the idea of homosexuality made him a bit uncomfortable, though he knew it was something Phil tried to be accepting of. Dan understood that. When you're told one thing your entire life, it takes you some time to fully get out of that headspace and create your own values and opinions. Phil was still working through some of the things he'd been taught as a child, and Dan knew that never in a million years would Phil want to date a guy. 

Dan sighed and rolled out of bed, making his way to their bathroom and splashing his face. He felt a bit wobbly and tipped forward, catching himself on the sink, and only then remembered he wasn't supposed to be standing. He groaned and went to return to the bedroom, but he felt a pound in his head and his vision dipped, and he threw himself back so he was sitting on the lid of the toilet, grasping at the sink to hold him upright. 

"Phil!" he called, once he'd regained his breath enough to make sound. "PHIL!" 

Phil stumbled in a few minutes later, bleary eyed, with hair sticking up in every direction. The minute he saw Dan, his eyes seemed to clear, and he knelt down in front of the younger boy, placing one hand on Dan's shoulder to keep him up, looking up into Dan's eyes. 

"Are you okay?" He asked, concerned. All Dan could focus on was Phil's face... everything else was black. He tried to nod, and his vision closed so he could only see Phil's eyes and the bridge of his nose.

"Dizzy." He gasped out, and Phil nodded. Dan closed his eyes as he allowed himself to be lifted off the ground, one arm below his shoulders and one under his knees, until he was placed onto the bed. He took deep breaths, and tried to still the swimming in his head. 

A moment later, he opened his eyes as Phil propped him up, sitting behind Dan to act as a backrest. Phil put his legs on either side of Dan, and reached forward, placing a pill between the younger's lips, who allowed it to fall back underneath his tongue. Water soon followed, and Dan swallowed it all. He used to be awful at taking pills, but after the past few weeks, he'd become a pro. 

Dan closed his eyes after this, waiting for the pill to take effect, and leaning backwards against Phil's chest as he drifted into sleep.

 

Phil felt his breathing hitch. His heart was racing, and he began to sweat.

Why was this affecting him so much? He knew why deep down, but he never wanted to think of that night again.

The _other_ time he had sat like this, behind Dan with his legs on either side, wrapping his arms around his unconscious friend. This time Dan was only dizzy. Last time Phil had been sitting in a cold bathtub, his friend's blood soaking through Phil's pyjama pants as he clung to his friend, willing him to stay alive.

This moment now was much less dire, but the similarity sent shivers through Phil, and he felt a panic attack coming on. Phil wrapped his arms around the boy in front of him, hugging tight. 

His face was buried in Dan's hair, and he could hear Dan's soft breathing, feel his heartbeat where Phil's chest was pressed into his back. Phil focused on these things, not even realizing that his fingers were tracing small circles on Dan's upper arms, as he tried to calm himself down. He breathed in and out with Dan, their chests rising and falling together. He listened to the steady beat of Dan's heartbeat and allowed the feeling and sound to take over his thoughts, distracting him from painful memories.

He began to feel drowsy, and slowly laid backwards against the pillows. Now they were laying down, Dan between Phil's legs, leaning back against him. This shift seemed to stir Dan, but he didn't wake. Instead, he shifted and rolled over, so now he was lying on his stomach, head to the side. His ear was right over Phil's heart, which was pounding so loud Phil was pretty sure it could compete with a marching band.

Dan laid on him, one hand on Phil's waist, the other wrapped around and underneath Phil. They were pressed directly onto each other, and Phil found himself staring down at Dan's slightly upturned face, smiling at the younger boy.

This new arrangement had startled Phil at first and he'd felt uncomfortable, but now that he allowed himself to relax into it, it felt amazing. The weight of Dan's body pressing down onto him felt warm and comfortable, and they fit together like puzzle pieces. Dan's scent filled Phil's nostrils, and Phil felt an involuntary shiver run through him, followed by tingling and then relaxation.

They melted together, and Phil couldn't care less that it was morning and they were supposed to be up and dealing with moving in. He was happy here, and he was going to relish in this moment, where none of his worries seemed important, and he could just enjoy Dan's presence. 


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you guys like it if I became more active on tumblr? Opinions? Thanks :)
> 
> Love you all, thank you so much for the constant support <3 I feel like you've all become my second family :)

Dan woke up to see Phil looking down at him with a small smile on his face. Dan felt Phil's fingers stroking through his hair. He was sleepy, and medicated on top of it, and he relished in the woozy dreamlike state, blinking slowly at Phil, whose eyes widened and hand froze. Dan frowned. He didn't want the movement through his hair to stop. 

Dan put his hands down on the bed on either side of Phil, pulling himself up and along Phil's body to align them, and tilted his head up, connecting their lips. 

It felt nice. It felt nice, and soft, and right. Phil tasted  _warm._ Dan didn't know 'warm' had a taste until now. He smiled into the kiss, lazily moving his mouth against Phil's. Everything was slow and sweet, and Dan felt like he could fall back asleep right now in Phil's arms, lips pressed together.

He didn't notice when Phil's eyes shot wide, but he did notice when his lips stopped moving. Dan whined a small protest, and picked Phil's lips up in his own, trying to go back to the lazy kissing from earlier. He had liked that. He wanted more of that. 

He furrowed his brow together and pouted when Phil scrambled up into a seating position, pushing Dan away from him slightly, creating space between them. Dan leaned back in to continue the kiss, missing Phil's warmth, but Phil went white and slipped off the bed, running into the bathroom. Dan groaned and faceplanted in the pillow, allowing the drugs to take back over and lull him back to sleep

 

Phil liked Dan's hair. He smiled as he moved it through his fingers, feeling the thin hairs moving against each other. He twisted Dan's hair and drew soft circles on his scalp, admiring his friend, sound asleep on his chest. When Dan's eyes opened, Phil didn't notice at first. It was almost as if he were in a trance, but when he noticed Dan's eyelashes blinking apart, he froze.

_What was he doing?_

He was about to launch into a long mental argument with himself, when Dan pulled himself closer, and then Dan's lips were on his, and Phil's brain short circuited. This was nothing like the first kiss. This wasn't a playful kiss, trying to prove a point. This was soft and gentle and full of love. Phil kissed back, drunk off of this feeling. Off of the taste of Dan's lips, the smell of him so close, the warmth of their bodies pressed together.

Phil felt Dan smile against his lips, and he loved that Dan was happy. He wanted his best friend to be happy. This was good. Everything was good.

_WAIT._

Phil's eyes shot open and he scrambled away from Dan, holding his hand to his lips in shock. What had just happened? What had they just done? Why had Dan just kissed him? Phil was straight! He couldn't kiss a boy, _that was a sin_!

Phil stopped in his tracks, in shock that that thought had just crossed his mind. Phil raced off the bed and into the bathroom, not even noticing that Dan had leaned back in for another kiss.

Had he really just thought the words 'that's a sin'? Since when did Phil make life decisions based off a religion he didn't agree with or believe in anymore?

This question led Phil to consider why he had such an aversion to the idea of being gay. Was it because of religion? Was it because of the bullies at school? He didn't know, but for whatever reason anytime someone eluded to him being gay, Phil's mind would go into a panic. And now he had just sleepily made out with his best friend for the better part of two minutes. 

But Phil was straight. It didn't matter that Dan was beautiful. It didn't matter that Phil found himself staring at Dan much more often than you stare at a normal friend. It didn't matter that the kiss from earlier had been the best feeling Phil had ever experienced, and he had wanted it to last forever. It didn't matter that Dan made him happier than anyone else, and he got butterflies still thinking about him, and when he had thought he had lost Dan he didn't even know what to do with his own life because he couldn't imagine one without Dan.

None of this mattered, because Phil was straight. That was his identity, and that was that. He couldn't be gay, because that would go against his label, and labels were important... right?

Labels were what kept everything in order in the world. They were what kept you from putting salt in your coffee, or sugar on your fries. They were what kept the men in the men's restroom, and the women in their own. They were what told you where to go, and what to do, and how to live, and if Phil's label didn't fit him anymore, then  _who was he?_

Or maybe a better question,  _what_ was he? Because the thought he'd been trying to keep shoved down for so long was bubbling up just under the surface, and it was getting harder and harder to ignore.

 _He was in..._ Dan was his friend. Dan was his best friend. _He was in l..._ Hey, maybe he and Dan should go shopping for groceries today.  _He was in lo..._ You know what, enough thinking about Dan. Let's think about groceries. Cereal is definitely a priority.  _He was in love..._ ALSO LETTUCE. THEY NEEDED LETTUCE.  _He was in love with..._ MAYBE SOME CREAM CHEESE, TOO. WHY DO WE NEED CREAM CHEESE, I DON'T KNOW, BUT CREAM CHEESE IS SURE INTERESTING, ISN'T IT, PHIL? LET'S THINK ABOUT CREAM CHEESE, AND ALL THE INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT HOW IT -  _He was in love with Da..._ WHY WAS HE THINKING ABOUT CREAM CHEESE, FUCK PHIL YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE CHEESE GODDAMMIT GET FUCKING BASIL YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO PUT IT IN BUT IT SMELLS GOOD AND BASIL IS SO INTERESTING, BASIL IS A GOOD THING, BASIL IS INTERESTING ENOUGH TO THINK ABOUT UNINTERRUPTED FOR -  _He was in love with Dan._

Fuck.

The thought he'd been trying to ignore for weeks now bubbled to the surface, and once it ran fully through Phil's mind, he knew there was no turning back. He was in love with Dan. He couldn't be, though. Phil had to be straight. At this point he didn't even know why, he just knew he had to, so he heaved a large sigh and returned to the room, intending to tell Dan he couldn't kiss him anymore.

When he entered the room, Dan was asleep. His mouth was parted, pressed against his arm, his face soft. Phil smiled slightly. He was cute. Phil allowed himself this one, because he had just admitted his feelings to himself, and he was about to ruin any chance he'd ever have of acting on those feelings. He deserved one fleeting thought about how adorable Dan was.

About how much he wanted to kiss those lips again. About how Dan was his best friend, but he wanted more. About how perfect every inch of him was, how beautiful, how good he had felt pressed up against Phil as he slept. 

He thought about how much Dan meant to him, and how Dan had told Phil he loved him. Phil's breath got caught in his throat as he looked at his friend, and he walked over slowly, brushing one of Dan's curls behind his ear. 

Dan blinked open and looked up at Phil, eyes sleepy but wide, and there was a sense of hope in them. 

Phil kneeled down next to the bed, and took a deep breath, getting ready to say what he had prepared, but... the words stuck in his throat. They stuck, and then they were gone, and Phil couldn't even remember what they had been about. Dan's eyes were so close to his, and they were so warm and brown and inviting, and his lips were so soft and sweet looking, still a bit plump from their previous kiss, and...

Phil decided to throw all caution to the wind, and took Dan's jaw in his hand, pulling their lips together. This kiss was the perfect middle ground. Their first kiss had been aggressive, the second had been sleepy. This kiss was sweet, but it had an undertone of fire to it.

Phil breathed deeply through his nose as they kissed, and he tried to ignore the screaming voice in the back of his head, because no matter how much it argued, when Phil questioned its reasoning, the best answer it could give him was sin, and that wasn't good enough for Phil. That couldn't keep him from this boy in front of him. 

Dan's eyes opened wide as he realized what was happening, and pulled back.

"Oh my god, Phil... wait... what's... what are you doing? The pill... I woke up so slowly... we kissed but you ran away. But now you're kissing me again?" Phil watched Dan go through his thought process, and his heart jumped into his throat as he realized he may be taking advantage of Dan right now, in his weak and drugged state.

"Phil... why did you come back? Why did you kiss me?" Dan asked, his eyes clearing as he looked at Phil.

"I... I'm so sorry. Oh fuck, you're on meds, I am so sorry." Phil stammered, backing away, but Dan caught his wrist and brought him back.

"Don't be sorry. I'm not _that_ out of it, I just... wasn't really thinking as I woke up."

"Oh." Was all Phil said, looking at Dan, waiting for what he had to say, terrified and excited all at once.

"Does this mean..." Dan began to ask, then trailed off, mirroring Phil's expression. Phil took a deep breath, and threw his hat over the wall.

"Yeah. Yeah, it does. If that's what you want." And when Dan nodded as he leaned forward to kiss Phil, Phil knew everything would be okay.

Before he and Dan met each other, they'd both been lost.

Phil had been lost in a judgemental household, bullied by his peers, unable to make any friends.

Dan had been lost in an abusive family, lost in his own mind, lost in pain.

But they'd found each other. They'd found each other, and it was going to be hard. Their journey wouldn't be easy, but it'd be  _their_ journey, and knowing they had each other made the whole thing seem much more manageable. 

 


End file.
